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The big C

bennysleftfoot

bennysleftfoot

Steven Caulker
Looks like my dad is coming to the end of his fight with this non-selective **** of a diesease.
Just wondered if any fellow gg-ers had any experience of this and could maybe shed some light on what we can expect as we draw closer to the inevitable.
Thanks in advance for those who share, I know this is a delicate and emotional thing to go through and talk about.
 
very sorry to hear that mate, i've been there myself, lost my mum and both grandmothers to it (it indirectly did for both grandfathers too), i'm just heading off to pick the kids up but i'll post some thoughts later
 
Thanks Gale. I think any input will help at the min. I've been told it helps to speak to other people that have been through it, but I don't know anyone, hence the message here.
 
Lost my grandad to non-hodkinson's lymphoma, both my uncle and aunt have beaten different types of cancer too

Sorry to hear about your dad mate, just try and spend as much time as possible as you can with him, anything youve always held back from telling him, tell him now
 
Thanks marky, sorry for your loss. The whole telling him what you've never told him, is a daunting prospect. If anything, it should be the other way round, wish he'd tell me what's going on in his head, what he's feeling right now. But that's just not the way he is. "you gotta go when you gotta go", that's generally been his party line.
 
Benny, I lost my Dad 5 years ago to Bowel Cancer. He was problems going to the toilet for a months the previous year but felt fine otherwise, finally got diagnosed in January 2009, he passed away in June so he was hardly ill for very long and it took our family by surprise. We got the diagnosis and to this day I think my family kept how bad it really was from me but I figured he we might get two more years with him but he was gone 5 months after the diagnosis. He had Chemo but he didn't lose his hair so if you looked at him you would hardly had known he was ill.

I've just started giving money to Cancer Research, only £2 a month but I feel like it could make SOME difference if everyone donated that amount.
 
Lost a few to cancer mate, my aunt in January. Sadly she was in pain and watching her go through it we were relieved when the time came. My mother died from Breast Cancer when I was 20 she was 44.

The thing with how treatment is these days is that hospices are amazing and the nurses as well as treating the patients are a great source of comfort to you at the time.

I think the best you can do is tell him you love him and you will never forget him and that he has made you the man you are comfort him and talk only about positives. My sister when our mother died told her she would take her daughter my mothers granddaughter to the theatre every year on her Birthday because granny liked the theatre and it made her realise even though she would not be there she would not be forgotten.

As for your father not talking about the dying, well i understand that, it must be ****ing scary. I thought I had a terminal illness a couple of months ago and just the thought of it is scary. Tell him you love him and let him know you are there.

With my Aunt she towards the end became quite angry and depressed, the Hospice nurses said this is quite common and you have to respect that they are in a lot of pain and just want it to end. The one and only time I had flu I was begging to go to one of those swiss suicide clinics so imagine the pain that someone who is really ill is in.

It is hard but you will feel better about it in a years time knowing you did the right thing and were the strong quiet type, of course talk if he wants to, but this is his time and he needs you to be his rock.

good luck, ben.
 
Mate,

Lost some good people to it…my Mum's beaten it twice…just lost a good friend to it suddenly this week…I would say that you should make sure that you know two things/be at peace with two things.

1) Don't regret having NOT said something you wanted to say

2) To make sure you gauge and process the things you will never either say/want to say/have said to you.

I think it's impossible to cover all the ground, there will always be some things which weren't said or spoken about, and as long as you can accept that whilst he's still here, then it will make things easier in the future.

And yes, I agree with Chich…time…spend as much as you want with him.

Good luck, come back here and discuss mate whenever you need…

Steff
 
So sorry jurgen.
I think I'm right where you were.
I agree, if he wasn't terminal, you'd never know, he looks normal. He's done one round of chemo and radiotherapy and still looks like himself, apart from the thing inside him we cannot see, eating away at him. 2nd round of chemo next week, but this time round it's symptom management.

Sorry for your loss JGL.
Think that's the thing that scares me the most, wether he'll be in pain or not when the time comes.
He protected me his whole life from horrible things, and when I get the chance to return the favour, I won't be able to, I won't be able to take his lain away.

I've got to say gents, this is really helping me, thank you so much.
 
Steff, sorry for your loss, thanks for the advice.
I'm sure I've said all I want to say to him, I just need to wait now to see if he'll open up, different generation, doesn't share feelings, think he will when the Times right.
 
Just realised I should have said in the op that my father was diagnosed 16mths ago with stage 4 lung cancer, 1 course of chemo and radiotherapy later, lung was contained. 3 days ago we found out that it has since metastasised to the liver and back in the lung.
Coupled with other symptoms, fatigue, weight loss, abdominal pain, the next course of treatment is for symptom management and not for containment of the disease, therefore we know what's coming, and hence my request for many shoulders to cry on.

Thanks my again my fellow yids
 
bennysleftfoot said:
Just realised I should have said in the op that my father was diagnosed 16mths ago with stage 4 lung cancer, 1 course of chemo and radiotherapy later, lung was contained. 3 days ago we found out that it has since metastasised to the liver and back in the lung.
Coupled with other symptoms, fatigue, weight loss, abdominal pain, the next course of treatment is for symptom management and not for containment of the disease, therefore we know what's coming, and hence my request for many shoulders to cry on.

Thanks my again my fellow yids
Click to expand...

Hard days my friend, I absolutely feel your struggle…

With regards to whether he will open up, all I would say is be wholly prepared for him not to, but equally, know it does not diminish one iota what he feels for you. You might find he will simply not go there, and I hope you can find peace with that whilst he's still with you…as far as protection from pain the fact you're there is more than he could ever want I am sure. I say this as a father myself. You're doing the right thing…and again, I have to say a hearty thumbs up for reaching out and asking people/talking with people…

I'll keep a close eye here mate and answer whenever I can to whatever you ask…

Steff
 
Jeez the people even in a few posts its affected, vile, evil disease, lets hope one day they can find a cure...
 
my mum died in 2002, it started out as breast cancer and she beat it twice, the third time the ****er snuck up on us and had got into her blood before we even knew she was ill, started on the chemo again, which is hell, the things it did to her, it was a long time ago now but I remember that comforting her through the aftermath of that was a more visceral experience than near the end

she spent her last few months in a hospice and luckily I'd just lost my job so could spend a lot of time with her, my sister was at college at the other end of the country so had to go back and forth and I suspect she still feels guilty that she wasn't there all the time, not that anyone else in the family thinks she could have done any differently and she's certainly never been accused otherwise so I would definitely agree with the above about spending as much time as possible with him, as much for yourself as for him, cancer doesn't only affect one person at a time

the hospice was great, but she still felt like a prisoner, we spent a fortune on credit for her cell phone which was the only thing that kept her sane until the pain and the drugs started to take over, anything that can be done to bring a degree of normality will help, even small stuff, watching countdown even

for my mum I think the best thing I could do was to be there and be myself, I always tried to keep on top of my feelings and talk to her about "normal" stuff, she was incredibly optimistic, maybe it was just the drugs talking but she was convinced she'd get better and liked to imagine her next birthday party, even after we'd crossed the terminal status line, I always thought it would be wrong to put a downer on that

in saying that though it's important to try and be aware of the timeline, I'd reccomend having the doctors tell you as much as you can stand, I didn't want to ever walk into the room and have her see the shocked look on my face at the days regress so I always wanted to know what to expect

when things change they change quickly, very very quickly

when it happened it honestly was a relief, I know it's a cliche but it's true, not that you feel relief, I just felt numb for a while

and not everything stops, different people will deal with it in different ways, some will shut down mentally, others will be hysterical, wherever you are on the scale you'll get abuse from the opposite end for the way you handle it, people lash out when they are hurting, don't take things personally

you have to handle it in your own way though, there isn't a right answer how to mourn,

the funeral will only open things up again

to air another well worn cliche, it gets easier with time

sorry, this is a bit of a ramble, and I think all the advice I've offered has already been imparted by others more concisely
 
So so sorry Gale.
It would seem I've opened up a very raw, emotional, visceral can of worms with this thread. But perhaps it won't only help me in my time of need, it will help those who have already been through it, and never got off their chest what they wanted to say.
 
bennysleftfoot said:
So so sorry Gale.
It would seem I've opened up a very raw, emotional, visceral can of worms with this thread. But perhaps it won't only help me in my time of need, it will help those who have already been through it, and never got off their chest what they wanted to say.
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These are the things to talk about mate…keeping this in can be damaging IMO…it's a great thread and right on for starting it, albeit the tragedy that anyone should have to and any of us feel the urge to need to reply…

I will share one story about the second time my Mum had it.
I rented a convertible for the week because she loved being driven around the countryside, and so we'd go on long long drives all over the place, her head scarf flapping in the wind, both of us yapping away.
She had wanted a dog in retirement, but alas, this made having one impossible.
One morning she came downstairs hissing and moaning; tough morning a few days after a chemo bout.
"Can't even have a ****ing dog!" she spat.
"You could though Mum…" I started uneasily, not sure if I meant it.
"What? Be serious Steff! Me with my bald head, bad eyesight and my one ***, it'd have to have three legs, be half-blind and a case of the mange! THEN we could work together!"
At which point we both burst out laughing.
You dig out what you can as you can, but I did find that if there's a willingness for a spot of gallows humour, it can be helpeful...
 
Very emotional topic, good to hear men talk about it though as usually we are too reserved to open up about feelings.

Benny, I think some of the posters hit the tickle my balls with a feather , spend as much time with him as you can, tell him you love him, tell him what he did to make you who you are. My dad died 16 years ago of silicosis (similar to asbestosis) basically same life sentence as C , sad to see a big man who you always look up to become a shadow of himself. However, we still had time for a beer and a laugh together , worth more than anything you can imagine.

Be strong, be prepared, and most of all be honest.

It may not be he time or place but when a friend of mine told me he had cancer I told him a joke, a couple of friends were upset but the bloke in question cried a bit , with laughter, and thanked me for not making everything too somber. If you don't like it please don't call me on it but here is the joke I told;

Paddy was walking down the road when he saw his friend mick outside the doctors, crying his eyes out. Paddy says " what's wrong mick, everything ok? "

Mick says " jeez paddy, I've just been given some bad news by the doc, I've got the big C "

Paddy says " what .. Cancer" and mick says "no, dyslexia"

Mate, hope it brings a smile to your face in a tough time. Will be thinking of you and your dad, and as steff said, I will visit this thread to help or listen when possible.

Best of luck
 
thfcsteff said:
These are the things to talk about mate…keeping this in can be damaging IMO…it's a great thread and right on for starting it, albeit the tragedy that anyone should have to and any of us feel the urge to need to reply…

I will share one story about the second time my Mum had it.
I rented a convertible for the week because she loved being driven around the countryside, and so we'd go on long long drives all over the place, her head scarf flapping in the wind, both of us yapping away.
She had wanted a dog in retirement, but alas, this made having one impossible.
One morning she came downstairs hissing and moaning; tough morning a few days after a chemo bout.
"Can't even have a ****ing dog!" she spat.
"You could though Mum…" I started uneasily, not sure if I meant it.
"What? Be serious Steff! Me with my bald head, bad eyesight and my one ***, it'd have to have three legs, be half-blind and a case of the mange! THEN we could work together!"
At which point we both burst out laughing.
You dig out what you can as you can, but I did find that if there's a willingness for a spot of gallows humour, it can be helpeful...
Click to expand...

This is so true. Different people handle it differently. My mum had a mastectomy when she was 50 and was given a prosthetic boob. She introduced the prosthetic to me by dishing up egg and chips but instead of egg, the boob was sitting proudly in the middle of the chips. Broke a lot of ice that did. She succumbed to it ten years later....

My dad also died of lung cancer and that was the hardest thing I ever experienced. He was my absolute hero and it ripped me apart watching him die. As before, I had no idea how to deal with that level of loss (it was before my mum) and unfortunately it manifested in me having a fight outside the hospice. Something I've regretted ever since.

As has been said, relish every moment with him. If you want to open up do so. But don't always expect him to open up too as that may mean he has to accept what's happening to him.

One other thing I'll never forget is one of the McMillan nurses telling me it's the morphine that finishes them off in the end and that's to be taken as a blessing as they are in a state of euphoria. My mum was shopping down the market as far as she was concerned and my dad was talking to his (long gone) dad.

All the very best to you mate, my thoughts are with you.

By the way the above all happened over 20 years ago. It does get better but it never leaves you.

Nick
 
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