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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
I’m dyslexic and I had to read that 10 times before I got the joke.
That’s kind of funny.
Lemonade Money
Colin Calderwood
A man decides he's had enough of modern life, and decides to become a monk. At the monestary the interviewees tell him it's a 7 year contract that includes a vow of silence. After 7 years, they say, you are allowed to say only two words, and then sign another contract. "Okay," he says, "I'm in."
7 years of silence pass, and at his progress meeting they ask him for his two words. "Bed's uncomfortable" he says. "Okay, we will look into that" they reply, "Sign here."
Another 7 years of silence pass, and at his next progress meeting they ask him for his two words. "Food's terrible" he says. "Okay, we will look into that" they reply, "Sign here."
Yet another 7 years of silence pass, and at his progress meeting they ask for his two words. "I QUIT!" he says defiantly. "Thank GHod for that." they reply, "Ever since you've been here, all you've done is moan."
7 years of silence pass, and at his progress meeting they ask him for his two words. "Bed's uncomfortable" he says. "Okay, we will look into that" they reply, "Sign here."
Another 7 years of silence pass, and at his next progress meeting they ask him for his two words. "Food's terrible" he says. "Okay, we will look into that" they reply, "Sign here."
Yet another 7 years of silence pass, and at his progress meeting they ask for his two words. "I QUIT!" he says defiantly. "Thank GHod for that." they reply, "Ever since you've been here, all you've done is moan."
SpiderSpurs
Milenko Acimovic
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll be able to walk again and sustain a reasonably normal life, however your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming for the severed member and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. They're roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should probably discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife about the penis?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" asks the doctor.
“Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite worktops."
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll be able to walk again and sustain a reasonably normal life, however your penis was severed in the accident and they couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming for the severed member and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. They're roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should probably discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife about the penis?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" asks the doctor.
“Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite worktops."
Baleforce
Terry Naylor
It’s taken me about three weeks to get that.
SpiderSpurs
Milenko Acimovic
yiddo37
Tim Sherwood
Bloke wakes up in hospital after an horrific car crash. Doctor comes up to him and asks if he wants the good news or the bad news first. Bloke says, hit me with the bad news Doc. Well, you were very seriously injured and we had to give you a blood transfusion, and you've broken a lot of bones in your body. On top of that we've had to amputate both your legs. No! Says the bloke, how can there possibly be any good news? Well, says the Doc. The patient in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!
Lemonade Money
Colin Calderwood
The hardest football pitch I ever played on was made of crushed brick, rubble, and concrete. We won 3-2 on aggregate.
Bullet
Jimmy Cantrell
I googled this to try to understand the joke, I think it is a reference to when Del Boy tried to lean on the bar and fell through the hatch.
I think it is in poor taste to link a decent actor to that kind of slander.
Lemonade Money
Colin Calderwood
People in the industry have been telling me this for years, but I guess it could all be bollox.