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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her... hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head and said, 'I have to tell you the truth, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.'
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her... hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.
The elderly lady hung her head and said, 'I have to tell you the truth, his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.'
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
...
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was really impressive, it was marvelous!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prossie in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
...
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was really impressive, it was marvelous!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prossie in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.
markysimmo
Johnny nice-tits
When asked about his trip to Auschwitz, John Terry replied
It was terrible, a real shock, total disrepair, its going to be ages before we get it running again..
John Terry has defended claims that he's racist
Danny Wellblack and Ashley Coal are two of my best friends in football, he stated
It was terrible, a real shock, total disrepair, its going to be ages before we get it running again..
John Terry has defended claims that he's racist
Danny Wellblack and Ashley Coal are two of my best friends in football, he stated
monkeybarry
Ian Walker
just heard Bob Welch of Fleetwood Mac sadly committed suicide yesterday - but at least he went his own way
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
I was on a train this morning, in the loo.having a brick, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a brick."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a brick."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
... The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your
Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one ."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
... The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your
Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one ."
thfcsteff
Terry Dyson
spursman17
Stephen Kelly
This server...
Got Chatting to this gypsy girl at a bar the other night, contrary to the preconceived image I had we got on like a house on fire. Anyway after a few drinks she suggested that I go back to hers for some fun.
Had a fking awesome time .. rode the dodgems , waltzer , the ghost train and went home with a goldfish !!
Had a fking awesome time .. rode the dodgems , waltzer , the ghost train and went home with a goldfish !!
:ross:
Boonie
Ramon Vega
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "tinkled Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."
By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "tinkled Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."
ArnieArdiles
Milenko Acimovic
I'm really havin a rough time where women are concerned . The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse, I was a sperm.
Geesus , Im so slow & out of luck where women are concerned , really ,
I only seem to meet thirsty women who want me to go back to theirs for coffee.
Anyway, I got myself a sex doll but I don't want to fudge it yet. I'll leave it a couple of days as I don't want to appear desperate.
8-[
So I went down the pub instead and I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
Wtf , where she go ? :~
Oh well, I got my drink and decided to sit at a table where I saw this girl crying , so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.
"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig."
"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied.
"You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"
I says , "cos you got massive tits."
Wtf she gone too :|
Just then, I got a text from my boss...."send me one of your funny jokes Arnie" to which I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."
He replied, with an LOL "that was fantastic, send me another one."
Oh well , I was in the pub knocking em back all day till closing time when at last just as the bell rang, I managed to pull a proper ugly minger and we went back to her place ... I sat on the sofa and she started dancing around me seductively and she says to me " okay handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
I said "My glasses."
Geesus , Im so slow & out of luck where women are concerned , really ,
I only seem to meet thirsty women who want me to go back to theirs for coffee.
Anyway, I got myself a sex doll but I don't want to fudge it yet. I'll leave it a couple of days as I don't want to appear desperate.
8-[
So I went down the pub instead and I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
Wtf , where she go ? :~
Oh well, I got my drink and decided to sit at a table where I saw this girl crying , so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.
"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig."
"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied.
"You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"
I says , "cos you got massive tits."
Wtf she gone too :|
Just then, I got a text from my boss...."send me one of your funny jokes Arnie" to which I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."
He replied, with an LOL "that was fantastic, send me another one."
Oh well , I was in the pub knocking em back all day till closing time when at last just as the bell rang, I managed to pull a proper ugly minger and we went back to her place ... I sat on the sofa and she started dancing around me seductively and she says to me " okay handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
I said "My glasses."
ArnieArdiles
Milenko Acimovic
My wife was complaining that I took too long on foreplay.
She told me to pull my finger out.
She told me to pull my finger out.