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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
A crusty old biker, out on a long summer ride in the country, pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. “Yes?”

She inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady” he whispers “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, “Why yes, yes, I sure am.”

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.”
 
Thierry Henry is the only player to have a statue of himself outside a stadium". What about the one of Nani outside Fulham's ground?

Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
 
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun in the back responds, "Thank GHod! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
 
A man suspecting his wife was seeing another man, hired a famous Chinese dective named Chen Lee. Chen Lee was hired to watch and report any activites while the husband was gone.
A few days later the husband recieved this report :

-------------------

Most honourable Sir

You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee

Chen Lee
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
Husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence there’
 
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old sailor tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containe...rs. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the PO.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Old PO tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, 3 months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
 
mick cooper said:
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old sailor tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containe...rs. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."


"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the PO.



The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The Old PO tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, 3 months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Click to expand...


Superb...
 
Male premature ejaculator seeks blonde female with massive tits, long legs and a shaved puss

ohh wait .....doesnt matter.​
 
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