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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Park Lane James said:
Some crackers on here, thanks for that. My dad remembers so many jokes off by heart, and casually brings in loads into conversations. Are any of you like that at all?
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My father was a brilliant man in so many ways, but his capacity for remembering jokes was legendarily bad. He took to writing punchlines on a card as a reminder. Sadly he could never remember which jokes they belonged to.
 
Park Lane James said:
Some crackers on here, thanks for that. My dad remembers so many jokes off by heart, and casually brings in loads into conversations. Are any of you like that at all?
Click to expand...

I have that ability, although I can go to a comedy show, really enjoy it but not remember the jokes!
 
If you wanna see some jokes look at the way people are acting on the transfer thread, massive fudging drama queens hahah
 
Next door neighbour committed suicide at the weekend by drinking a bottle of varnish. She had a horrible death, but a lovely finish
 
Park Lane James said:
Some crackers on here, thanks for that. My dad remembers so many jokes off by heart, and casually brings in loads into conversations. Are any of you like that at all?
Click to expand...

I only remember the jokes when someone else starts telling them! I'll annoyingly nod with a grin whilst they tell it...
 
You know your girlfriends TOO young when you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your **** in her mouth!
 
Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now." She says. "Why" he asks, "don't you have a vase?"
 
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this". I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom."
 
This exchange was reported as occurring at Athens airport.

Greek Immigration officer:........."Nationality?​"

Tourist:......................​............."German"

Immigation officer....................."O​ccupation?"

Tourist:......................​............."No, just on holiday"
 
Yossarian said:
This exchange was reported as occurring at Athens airport.

Greek Immigration officer:........."Nationality?​"

Tourist:......................​............."German"

Immigation officer....................."O​ccupation?"

Tourist:......................​............."No, just on holiday"
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Haha I've heard this before, 'Angela Merkel arrives at border patrol'

My dad said that one of his Irish mates was flying in to Australia and at border patrol they asked him if he had a criminal record. His reply was "I didn't realise that was still a requirement to enter the country!"

Needless to say, he got held up for a few hours and a stringent strip search!
 
The Olympic Sailing results are in.
Great Britain took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
 
I was visiting my daughter and her boyfriend the other night
When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
 
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