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Break Ups with GF's partners etc

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Serge Aurier
Alright dudes.

Didn't want to post this but have been pretty low today and needed advice.

Basically I have been with my gf for just over 3 years now, she's 23 I'm 29.

first 2 years went awesome, she was a nymph, got on well, but we argued a lot especially when drunk (mostly my fault).

The last year we have got on but not had much sex and she kept on saying to me she will leave me etc if i don't change my maturity (immature apparently) stop being an attention seeker, and to man up and stop being a slob (sit at home in my pants when she comes home from work).

She is young and is trying for a career in media in the West End and is working lates all the time and we have not had much time in the evenings at all (I'm 9-30 to 5-40 and she is random) and at weekends now she's working a lot.

Last week she said she needed time to herself as she does not know what she wants. She tried to chat to me but i was having none of it and pushed her away and told her to leave my flat which i own. She has now moved home to her parents and says she still needs space but still loves me.

Its been a week now and I've seen her twice, once for a meal here and once when she popped in. Its been nice but its real hard for me at the mo as she has lived here for 2 years. Prior to that I lived on my own in my flat for 2 years so I am used to it but Im really lonely at the mo. Tonight I'm drinking on my own and been here all day doing nothing.

Have you lot had any bad breakups and if so have you ever got back with them? We have not officially broken up yet but I can only see this going one way yet I want to to make it work. Do I leave her and not text her and call her and make her feel she misses me? Anything I do won't change anything what is meant to be will be I suppose.

Just needed some advice as I have literally been on here all day and the closest I have come to civilisation is you guys.

Cheers

GGG
 
I wouldnt contact her then again it is a catch 22. If you dont call she thinks that you dont care enough and if you do call she will have the 'power and control'. In the long run though I would say, as much as you really dont want to, give her the space she asks and let her come to you.

When girls say they want space, as you say it generally only goes one way. The process for her doesnt begin when she asks for space but it began waaaay before that moment she told you.

I would say give her space but if she comes to you please dont shut her out and actually talk. I am a master at pushing people away even though, inside I miss them etc but I just act all cold - I dont know why I do it and I am unsure why people in general do that. Dont do that and I know precisely what you are doing but it doesnt resolve anything.
 
Cheers DHSF, thats what I needed to hear but knew it anyway just wanted others to back it up as I could still go gun blazing and text away. A lot of my mates are all married now and having kids, I chose to have the younger mrs, but thats how I roll. I haven't text her much this week at all and she keeps texting me every morning saying "morning etc". So there is a good sign I suppose.

I won't shut her out but I was a prick on Sunday when she wanted to talk, and to make things worse I went on FB as soon as she left my flat and put my relationship status to @single@. think I was crying out for help really but that didn't help. everyone rung her, everyone text me and people posted on FB. Fcuk me what a taco. need to come off FB
 
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GinolaGinolaGinola said:
Cheers DHSF, thats what I needed to hear but knew it anyway just wanted others to back it up as I could still go gun blazing and text away. A lot of my mates are all married now and having kids, I chose to have the younger mrs, but thats how I roll. I haven't text her much this week at all and she keeps texting me every morning saying "morning etc". So there is a good sign I suppose.

I won't shut her out but I was a prick on Sunday when she wanted to talk, and to make things worse I went on FB as soon as she left my flat and put my relationship status to @single@. think I was crying out for help really but that didn't help. everyone rung her, everyone text me and people posted on FB. Fcuk me what a taco. need to come off FB
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Part of the whole problem really isn't it? Everything is so immediate nowadays. Not going down the silly old route of saying everything was better in the old days, but switch the phone off, switch the computer off, stop reacting to every "prod", we're all too accessible nowadays, we don't have time to clear our head from one moment to another. Disassociate yourself from multimedia, if she's coming back she'll find a way of contacting you but being constantly available as we all are nowadays means we're too open to chatter and diversions from others.

Switch the blower off, shove it in a drawer, go down the pub, have a few pints, pick a fight with a little bloke if need be, everything will resolve itself if it's meant to be-given a little breathing space and time to clear your head.

Good luck.

PS. Sometimes things have a time span, reach that and then peter out. If that proves to be the case then take the best from the relationship, forget the worst and agree with her that if you can't be friends then not to be enemies. Sometimes a break without bad feeling is only a precursor to getting back together for good so don't burn your bridges. Who knows? Maintain a good relationship and after the dust settles may mean you may become friends with benefits, even when you meet someone and move on you always then have a great relationship as mates with the said FWB*.

*May or may not be based on personal experience.
 
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Gordinho said:
Part of the whole problem really isn't it? Everything is so immediate nowadays. Not going down the silly old route of saying everything was better in the old days, but switch the phone off, switch the computer off, stop reacting to every "prod", we're all too accessible nowadays, we don't have time to clear our head from one moment to another. Disassociate yourself from multimedia, if she's coming back she'll find a way of contacting you but being constantly available as we all are nowadays means we're too open to chatter and diversions from others.

Switch the blower off, shove it in a drawer, go down the pub, have a few pints, pick a fight with a little bloke if need be, everything will resolve itself if it's meant to be-given a little breathing space and time to clear your head.

Good luck.
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dude u are so right. Why the fcuk has FB and Twitter and everything else become so important to everyone. its as though you can't be in a relationship unless you announce it to the world. Engagements are broadcast to everyone not by phone but by fudging FB. It tinkles me off but I fell for this too. This didn't help as everyone I spoke to getting off the train was like " ah, are you ok I saw your relationship status". taco I was.

Advice taken, I'm leaving my phone in the other room whilst I'm on here. Drinkking Vino (well gay) at the mo as no one is about tonight but you are right I need to go to pub with mates, but I know I will just slime and flirt over the waitress and make it worse by trying it on with them all.

today though has been fcuking boring. I went out before the Haye fight to get another bottle of vino (ahem beers) and thats all Ive done all day, apart from have about 4 tommy tanks as well.
 
GinolaGinolaGinola said:
dude u are so right. Why the fcuk has FB and Twitter and everything else become so important to everyone. its as though you can't be in a relationship unless you announce it to the world. Engagements are broadcast to everyone not by phone but by fudging FB. It tinkles me off but I fell for this too. This didn't help as everyone I spoke to getting off the train was like " ah, are you ok I saw your relationship status". taco I was.

Advice taken, I'm leaving my phone in the other room whilst I'm on here. Drinkking Vino (well gay) at the mo as no one is about tonight but you are right I need to go to pub with mates, but I know I will just slime and flirt over the waitress and make it worse by trying it on with them all.

today though has been fcuking boring. I went out before the Haye fight to get another bottle of vino (ahem beers) and thats all Ive done all day, apart from have about 4 tommy tanks as well.
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Been there, done all that. Nothing wrong with drinking and tossing, sounds a bit like my formative years to me. :)

You feel low, already realise you could have handled things better and will do if given another chance. The days after a break up can be a roller coaster but I have a good feeling about this, it's a hiatus, everything will sort itself out. Don't make yourself unavailable but on the other hand don't be too contactable, seriously, you'll work it out between yourselves if it's meant to be.

Good luck.
 
Out of interest Gin Gin

Why do you go straight to FB and twitter etc to update it that you are single? You did that to hurt her didnt you? To get attention from her? all this on a subconscious level not conscious.

As Gordi said - time out to collate your thought and put feelings into perspective is always what is needed. My parents to this day argue etc but they take a couple of days of not even gettin in each others way and then they 'get back together'. Dont act on your feelings, I unfortunately make those mistakes and im on of those that never takes own advice even if I know it is right.


By the way Vino is SO not gay. I drink a lot of wine now.
 
DHSF said:
Out of interest Gin Gin

Why do you go straight to FB and twitter etc to update it that you are single? You did that to hurt her didnt you? To get attention from her? all this on a subconscious level not conscious.

As Gordi said - time out to collate your thought and put feelings into perspective is always what is needed. My parents to this day argue etc but they take a couple of days of not even gettin in each others way and then they 'get back together'. Dont act on your feelings, I unfortunately make those mistakes and im on of those that never takes own advice even if I know it is right.
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mate, im an attention seeker and I did it for that I think, and yes to hurt her. Even though she did not mention once about us breaking up. Im a fool I know that now. She kept saying to me that she needs to find the love because whenever I went to work it was like I text her 10 mins after saying "I miss you" just for the sake of it. I have text her about 5 times a day for the last week now when it was literally about 30. She sid its her, but its actually me s I pushed her away with my immaturity and attention seeking. Im not putting all the blame on me as she wasn't nice to me sometimes. I will giver her space and leave the social networking pages alone for a while. IN fact I could give them up and should. I do have a mobile and if people need to speak to me then they easily can.

ps - I know wine is cool. but it gives you moobs apparently.... :rolleyes:
By the way Vino is SO not gay. I drink a lot of wine now.


edit - I'm quite drunk I've ruined this post. quoted and edited and put in wrong place. oops
 
GinolaGinolaGinola said:
mate, im an attention seeker and I did it for that I think, and yes to hurt her.
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You're probably not an attention seeker but it's the way that the immediacy of a multimedia world has changed us all for the worse. In days gone by if you wittered on too much blokes in the pub would tell you so, nowadays if a real bloke tells you you're boring you have Twitter, facebook, GG etc to sound off on instead, so yeah, when you rant you rant but too publicly. People forget when you're sounding of in the pub whether drink inspired or not, your mistakes are chewed over, analysed and misunderstood when you commit them to text, facebook and twitter.
 
Sorta' same situation a year ago, "need space" "I want to marry you but need some time to sort my head out" it's hard to take, no real closure and there still isn't now. Last time I saw her in the new year it looked like we was going to get back together but barely spoke to her since. Strange really, over it now but theres still no real closure and that makes it hard, especially when I bumped into her at a gig a month ago and we both ignored eachother.

Get some closure/ resolution ASAP, nothing worse than being in limbo, I should know, I see other people now and I assume she does the same, longer you go without talking and finding out whats going on the harder it is having that conversation which is where I am now.
 
superspurs said:
Sorta' same situation a year ago, "need space" "I want to marry you but need some time to sort my head out" it's hard to take, no real closure and there still isn't now. Last time I saw her in the new year it looked like we was going to get back together but barely spoke to her since. Strange really, over it now but theres still no real closure and that makes it hard, especially when I bumped into her at a gig a month ago and we both ignored eachother.

Get some closure/ resolution ASAP, nothing worse than being in limbo, I should know, I see other people now and I assume she does the same, longer you go without talking and finding out whats going on the harder it is having that conversation which is where I am now.
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Can I just ask, maybe its too personal, but why have you guys not spoken? Is it because you have both been waiting for each other to contact and no one took the initiative so it turned out like that? Or have you tried but she has ignored or vice versa for that matter?

I agree with you about the closure though. Im not a talker so I generally push people away when they have 'hurt' me but in reality and if I was being honest with myself it hurts me more by not having that closure and that 'talk'. Its a pride thing I guess and I am too proud to talk or to discuss my feelings as I have been brought up to thin that it is not a manly thing to do. Hence girls have always broken up with me - I disguise my feelings and hide them so much but that just feel that the relationship is a one way street when in actual fact I feel for them more than they could ever imagine.
 
DHSF said:
Can I just ask, maybe its too personal, but why have you guys not spoken? Is it because you have both been waiting for each other to contact and no one took the initiative so it turned out like that? Or have you tried but she has ignored or vice versa for that matter?

I agree with you about the closure though. Im not a talker so I generally push people away when they have 'hurt' me but in reality and if I was being honest with myself it hurts me more by not having that closure and that 'talk'. Its a pride thing I guess and I am too proud to talk or to discuss my feelings as I have been brought up to thin that it is not a manly thing to do. Hence girls have always broken up with me - I disguise my feelings and hide them so much but that just feel that the relationship is a one way street when in actual fact I feel for them more than they could ever imagine.
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DHSF, I'm like you man. this is not good. As super spurs has now made me think that maybe this is whats happening. After all I'm thinking what is she doing where is she going, she has been out thurs fri and sat. Who is to say that she is not doing what I'm doing and speaking to every single bloke around (I'm talking to birds by the way not blokes!)? Do i carry on being at my flat and letting her do what she wants whilst I wait and wait for her to make her mind up? If I'm honest I'm kind of already expecting us tp split up but clinging on to the hope that we won't and she will move back in.
 
My advice would be to contact her once and say you are going to respect her needing her space and you'll be here when she thinks the time is right.

If she loves you and you are still in to her sometimes they come to the realisation what they have got.

If she doesn't and wants to end it, then unforutantly there is not much you can do as her mind would have been made up and even if you do eventually pursade her mind again it would only be a matter of time a little argument erupts into doubting her decsion.

Well that's my experience anyways.

Best of luck fella.
 
GinolaGinolaGinola said:
DHSF, I'm like you man. this is not good. As super spurs has now made me think that maybe this is whats happening. After all I'm thinking what is she doing where is she going, she has been out thurs fri and sat. Who is to say that she is not doing what I'm doing and speaking to every single bloke around (I'm talking to birds by the way not blokes!)? Do i carry on being at my flat and letting her do what she wants whilst I wait and wait for her to make her mind up? If I'm honest I'm kind of already expecting us tp split up but clinging on to the hope that we won't and she will move back in.
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You said she is younger than you ie she is 23 you are 29 and have been together for three years so when you first met she was 20. Sorry to say but she may want to live her life and by that I mean she may want to see and experience different things and different people. I know girls mature at an earlier age but theyre also more sociable and outgoing than the majority of men - its in their genes I would say. Its no baring on you as a person but I guess thats the downside of going out with a younger girl. You have experienced those things which she wants to but hasnt.
 
DHSF said:
Can I just ask, maybe its too personal, but why have you guys not spoken? Is it because you have both been waiting for each other to contact and no one took the initiative so it turned out like that? Or have you tried but she has ignored or vice versa for that matter?

I agree with you about the closure though. Im not a talker so I generally push people away when they have 'hurt' me but in reality and if I was being honest with myself it hurts me more by not having that closure and that 'talk'. Its a pride thing I guess and I am too proud to talk or to discuss my feelings as I have been brought up to thin that it is not a manly thing to do. Hence girls have always broken up with me - I disguise my feelings and hide them so much but that just feel that the relationship is a one way street when in actual fact I feel for them more than they could ever imagine.
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Probably mate, way I see it is this came down to her wanting space, initially I didn't really abide to that, I text and e-mailed her a fair bit but then realised I was being clingy and left her alone, gave her the space and time she wanted. I won't lie, when she contacted me and we saw eachother again (6 months after the event) I was so happy, she was too by the looks of it, had some really great nights out then it kinda' fizzled out, felt like she wanted space and more time and I did the same as I did before, I backed off.

Problem with that is it falls into that pattern, am I waiting for her to contact me again? probably, thing is now I couldn't give a toss if she doesn't and feel as though I'm over it now and that if I never spoke to her again it's no big deal. Which sounds harsh but theres only so much time you can wait and feel in limbo before you jog it on. Would be a liar if I said I wouldn't see her again if the opportunity arose, just feel I've left it too long to initiate it myself.

GinGinGin - Don't sit around mate, keep busy and go out as much as you can, doesn't have to be boozing all the time and sometimes you migh tnot fancy it but in the year I split from my ex (was together for 5 years) I've had one of the best years of my life, which sounds odd.
 
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DHSF said:
You said she is younger than you ie she is 23 you are 29 and have been together for three years so when you first met she was 20. Sorry to say but she may want to live her life and by that I mean she may want to see and experience different things and different people. I know girls mature at an earlier age but theyre also more sociable and outgoing than the majority of men - its in their genes I would say. Its no baring on you as a person but I guess thats the downside of going out with a younger girl. You have experienced those things which she wants to but hasnt.
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Correct. Women have two extra parts of the brain (looks like two small buds on an MRI scan) that has been scientifically linked to conversation. I think I remember hearing women speak around twice the amount of words a day compared to men.
 
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