Quality.
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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
Quality.
I always feel a bit hesitant about posting as my mates are constantly emailing them to me. They are obviously copied from various sites and I always think that everyone else must have seen them on the net at some time.
Just waiting for the next lot!!
thfcsteff
Terry Dyson
The fact hunt one still has me in tears if I actually TELL people!!! it's just so fudging excellent!
I was at work in Asda when, while I was rearranging the washing powder, the lady i'm dating walked by.
She yelled at me "You told me you was a stunt pilot you lying sod"
I replied "No I didn't, I told you I was part of an Ariel display team"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Essex
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.. and all in the name
of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!'
I spent two hours at my wife's grave today.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
No wait...Sorry...I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
Never mind.
A woman was shopping at a local supermarket where she selected -
2 litres of low fat milk
1 carton of eggs
1 litre of orange juice
1 head of lettuce
2 cans of coffee, and
1 pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was
indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
With curiosity getting the better of her she said, "Well you
know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied "Because you're ****ing ugly."
She yelled at me "You told me you was a stunt pilot you lying sod"
I replied "No I didn't, I told you I was part of an Ariel display team"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Essex
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.. and all in the name
of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!'
I spent two hours at my wife's grave today.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible...
No wait...Sorry...I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
Never mind.
A woman was shopping at a local supermarket where she selected -
2 litres of low fat milk
1 carton of eggs
1 litre of orange juice
1 head of lettuce
2 cans of coffee, and
1 pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was
indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
With curiosity getting the better of her she said, "Well you
know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth
did you know that?"
The drunk replied "Because you're ****ing ugly."
Life in the Australian Army....
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He rings the bell; the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
thfcsteff
Terry Dyson
LOL...top drawer...=D>
markysimmo
Johnny nice-tits
I met a man from Oklahoma yesterday
He was in my garden
He was in my garden
Boonie
Ramon Vega
I heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning and groaning and banging her headboard off the wall.
It turns out her elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head open,she was banging her stick against the wall for help,
feel a bit guilty about the toss now.
It turns out her elderly mother had fallen over and cracked her head open,she was banging her stick against the wall for help,
feel a bit guilty about the toss now.
I have been on 7 dates with my girlfriend and have kept a track of what we did.
On the first 6 I took her out for a meal. On the 3rd and the 6th after eating we went to her place and I stayed the night
On the 7th we saw the latest film from Gothams finest.
In summary :
Dinner,
Dinner,
Dinner - Did Her,
Dinner,
Dinner,
Dinner - Did Her,
Batman
On the first 6 I took her out for a meal. On the 3rd and the 6th after eating we went to her place and I stayed the night
On the 7th we saw the latest film from Gothams finest.
In summary :
Dinner,
Dinner,
Dinner - Did Her,
Dinner,
Dinner,
Dinner - Did Her,
Batman
philspursuk
Sean Davis
:tumbleweed::tumbleweed:Quality! Funnily enough I have just read a book where a guy who moved into a new apartment in Los Angeles has a similar experiance. On his first night he goes to bed and then hears noisy lovemaking from next door and get turned on and cracks one off with all sorts of fantasies about blonde porn stars in the next room etc. In the morning as he leaves to go to work his neighbours emerge at the same time. They introduce themselves, "Hi I`m gary and this is my partner Jim" you can imagine his thoughts knowing he has knocked one out listening to them.
Anyway I took a Dyslexic girl home the other night.....
She ended up Cooking my Sock
