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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
El Guepardo
Rafael Van Der Vaart
The joke has existed for more than 2 years! Back then it was attributed to Pete Doherty, not One Direction, these jokes go in cycles.
stinkfoot
Eidur Gudjohnsen
Is anyone claiming to have written any of the jokes in this thread? :^)
Papercut
Jermaine Jenas
Haha! Definetley a spoken joke and one with a lot of potential...
Mumorn
Vic Buckingham
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
A bloke meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £150, as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three £50 notes on the bar, and says, slowly... 'Paint…my…house.'
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white guy says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
A dustman is going along the street collecting up the wheelie bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheelie bin having a w***"
I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about "what do you do when an epiletic has a fit in the bath ? Throw in your washing " they were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not funny,my brother was epiletic and died in the bath " "sorry mate " I said "did he drown ? " " no " he said " he chocked on a sock..."
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white guy says: 'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
A dustman is going along the street collecting up the wheelie bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks on the door.
Eventually a Chinese man answers... "Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you" says the Chinese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me... Where's your wheelie bin?"
"OK, OK", says the Chinese guy. "I wheelie bin having a w***"
I was telling my mates in the pub the old joke about "what do you do when an epiletic has a fit in the bath ? Throw in your washing " they were all laughing out loud when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said "that's not funny,my brother was epiletic and died in the bath " "sorry mate " I said "did he drown ? " " no " he said " he chocked on a sock..."
Last edited:
Frankly i feel i need to bring this back on track
Alter boy catches the priest having a toss in the confession box and asks the priest what he was doing
Priest: Don’t worry son its just masturbation and the lord is not against it , Besides you will be doing it soon enough !!
Alter Boy : Really father, why’s that ?
Priest : Because my arms are Tired !!!!
Alter boy catches the priest having a toss in the confession box and asks the priest what he was doing
Priest: Don’t worry son its just masturbation and the lord is not against it , Besides you will be doing it soon enough !!
Alter Boy : Really father, why’s that ?
Priest : Because my arms are Tired !!!!
Dairy Farming Around The World
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
If you slaughter them your nation's food stocks will double.
You decide instead to send them into space.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your farm isnt big enough for them so you invade the one next door and kill all their sheep.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the mess out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AFGHAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They live in a cave.
Everybody else thinks these cows have been poisened so that when unbelievers drink the milk they will die.
This is true, its just that the cave is actually in Pakistan.
AN IRANIAN CORPORATION
You have two pigs.
Business isnt great.
AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both yearn to spend their lives on a rock 200 miles out in the Atlantic.
AN AUSTRIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They live in a cellar.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You dont know how but one keeps getting pregnant and the other one's milk tastes funny.
A NIGERIAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
Last year they conned 32,000 English cows out of all their cattle feed.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
If you slaughter them your nation's food stocks will double.
You decide instead to send them into space.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your farm isnt big enough for them so you invade the one next door and kill all their sheep.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the mess out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AFGHAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They live in a cave.
Everybody else thinks these cows have been poisened so that when unbelievers drink the milk they will die.
This is true, its just that the cave is actually in Pakistan.
AN IRANIAN CORPORATION
You have two pigs.
Business isnt great.
AN ARGENTINIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both yearn to spend their lives on a rock 200 miles out in the Atlantic.
AN AUSTRIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They live in a cellar.
AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You dont know how but one keeps getting pregnant and the other one's milk tastes funny.
A NIGERIAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
Last year they conned 32,000 English cows out of all their cattle feed.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Papercut
Jermaine Jenas
Okay better told than typed but I'll give it a try:
Small skinny guy ends up in prison and is taken to his cell. In the cell he meets his cellmate - this huuuuge as5 skinhead with tats all over him.
Skinny guy thinks "f*ck! that's it, I'm done for..."
Big guy (gruff voice) "What bunk do you want?"
Skinny guy thinks "wow, he's giving me a choice!)" - asks softly "errm, which one do you want?"
Big guy "BOTTOM one!"
Skinny guy "okay, no problem at all!"
That night he's lying there, still concerned when the side of his bunk is banged against with his cellmate's huge hand.
Skinny guy shuts his eyes and thinks "sh1t! oh no" - whispers worriedly... "yeeeess?"
Big guy "Do you want to play mummies and daddies"
Skinny guy thinks "oh no oh no on no" - asks "Do I have a choice??"
Big guy "NO!"
Skinny guy "can I choose which one I am"
Big guy "YES!"
Skinny guy thinks "oh phew! thank the lord" - says "okay can I be the daddy???"
Big guy "YES!"
Big guy "Now get down here and suck mummy's c0ck!"
Small skinny guy ends up in prison and is taken to his cell. In the cell he meets his cellmate - this huuuuge as5 skinhead with tats all over him.
Skinny guy thinks "f*ck! that's it, I'm done for..."
Big guy (gruff voice) "What bunk do you want?"
Skinny guy thinks "wow, he's giving me a choice!)" - asks softly "errm, which one do you want?"
Big guy "BOTTOM one!"
Skinny guy "okay, no problem at all!"
That night he's lying there, still concerned when the side of his bunk is banged against with his cellmate's huge hand.
Skinny guy shuts his eyes and thinks "sh1t! oh no" - whispers worriedly... "yeeeess?"
Big guy "Do you want to play mummies and daddies"
Skinny guy thinks "oh no oh no on no" - asks "Do I have a choice??"
Big guy "NO!"
Skinny guy "can I choose which one I am"
Big guy "YES!"
Skinny guy thinks "oh phew! thank the lord" - says "okay can I be the daddy???"
Big guy "YES!"
Big guy "Now get down here and suck mummy's c0ck!"
Just took the Mrs to the doctors to sort out her tourettes... Turns out she doesn't have it....
I am a **** and she does want me to **** off!
My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday, I was so angry! What sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on her used underwear?
She told me we couldn't afford beer at £25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then the next day I caught her spending £65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!
Besides, my beer was 40 quid cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back…
I was threatened that if I did not pay my rent promptly I would be beaten up and have my legs broken.....
I think my Dad takes Monopoly far too seriously
I have just found out my son has become sexually active
It`s not the news you want to hear from the Vet
I went to the Doctor and told him I could hear voices coming from my underpants.
"Take no notice of them" he said "they are just talking B*ll*cks"
I am a **** and she does want me to **** off!
My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday, I was so angry! What sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on her used underwear?
She told me we couldn't afford beer at £25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.
Then the next day I caught her spending £65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!
Besides, my beer was 40 quid cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back…
I was threatened that if I did not pay my rent promptly I would be beaten up and have my legs broken.....
I think my Dad takes Monopoly far too seriously
I have just found out my son has become sexually active
It`s not the news you want to hear from the Vet
I went to the Doctor and told him I could hear voices coming from my underpants.
"Take no notice of them" he said "they are just talking B*ll*cks"
IF MEN ADVISED ON PROBLEM PAGES........
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
thfcsteff
Terry Dyson
Superb! Well done Sir!
thfcsteff
Terry Dyson
Mate...for some reason I just literally hurt myself and cried with laughter. You are a hero. Oh my fudging GHod my face hurts!