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Parental rights morally

Grays_1890

Grays_1890

Les Howe
So I'm sep'td from my sons mother which has its ups and downs but usually good.

Just had my son who has told me he is off to Dubai this week with mum and boyfriend which I'm ok with but then he tells me he is coming back early with the boyfriend whilst mum stays.

I'm on the Birth Certificate and pay maintenence on time above and beyond which in eyes of law makes me a co-parent/responsibile parent and was wondering...doesn't the mother have to tell me if she is taking kid out the country and shouldn't she DEF mention he is coming back without her and with her fella?

I'm not taking this legal just been given a barrage of abuse saying that I'm out of line expecting to know this and that "now you know"
 
I can never understand why parents use the children they claim to love as weapons to hurt their ex partners. I would have thought that you should have been consulted as I imagine if anything was to happen to your ex wife you would be responsible for your son.
 
She definitely should have mentioned it.
Couple of questions, how old is your kid?
How long have they been together?

Could it just be one of those that carelessly slipped her mind because it's a pretty secure situation?
Definitely worth a polite conversation to say "can you let me know next time, thanks"
 
That's so wrong. If you had been consulted, there was a valid reason and you were ok with it, it would've been a different story of course. Now I don't know your story, how old the kid is, how well he knows the new man, etc., but my initial reaction was that I would've been furious had it been me.
 
Grays_1890 said:
So I'm sep'td from my sons mother which has its ups and downs but usually good.

Just had my son who has told me he is off to Dubai this week with mum and boyfriend which I'm ok with but then he tells me he is coming back early with the boyfriend whilst mum stays.

I'm on the Birth Certificate and pay maintenence on time above and beyond which in eyes of law makes me a co-parent/responsibile parent and was wondering...doesn't the mother have to tell me if she is taking kid out the country and shouldn't she DEF mention he is coming back without her and with her fella?

I'm not taking this legal just been given a barrage of abuse saying that I'm out of line expecting to know this and that "now you know"
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Sorry to hear about all this, and speaking as someone whose parents used me and brother as weapons in their hideous divorce, I'm sorry for your son too. I have no idea what the legal stance is, but feel that if you are able to react in as calm a way as possible and discuss how to communicate these types of issues it could help in the future. Best of luck, mate.
 
I would never use my son as a tool and I've come on here to vent smoke...rather than with her.

So I was told yesterday by my 6 year old son he was coming home early and mum was staying in Dubai, when I text to ask she said it wasn't true. We didn't discuss again.

When I dropped my son off, hand on heart, he confronted his mum and said "are you bringing me home this week or not as you said you wasn't" which resulted in he telling him to be quiet and then me getting a dressing down saying it was all ok and me caring or wanting to know was wrong.
 
Robbo said:
That's so wrong. If you had been consulted, there was a valid reason and you were ok with it, it would've been a different story of course. Now I don't know your story, how old the kid is, how well he knows the new man, etc., but my initial reaction was that I would've been furious had it been me.
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I am not trying to make my ex out to be the killer queen and I am a fair man, alot of posting this was like therapy but to give you some background my son s 6 and half, the guy in the life is about a year in. I was with my son last weekend and he told me about going to Dubai and this weekend he told my mum he was not coming back with his mum as she was staying. I am a fair bloke, if I was told about both in advance and the reason I would take it, what I struggle with and I am yet to voice it is not being told about either, being lied to yesterday when I asked if her guy was bringing our son back (she said no) and then getting a dressing down today when she was found out and being told it was not a big deal etc etc. Not too much to think I should be informed if a guy who is not a legal guardian is bringing my son back from a country 7 hours away I dont think. GHod forbid something should happen and I have no clue where he is.

And for the record to give balance I am over the moon my son goes away and sees nice places....
 
I don’t have children and I’m still relatively young myself but I don’t think you can ever be to careful and I don’t think you can ever over step a boundary on something you should 100% at the very least have been informed off.

What if something was to happen to any, or all of them? You need to know where your child is.

If anything, as a parent she has an obligation to look after her very young child and to ensure he’s brought home safely. I cannot believe in this day and age with all the stories we hear any parent feels comfortable enough to leave their child with a step parent at all. Let alone someone she’s only been with a year!! To stay on holiday as well?!

Absolute madness. You must have the temperament of a saint.

But don’t tell your boys mother that - she’d blow her fudging lid - mostly because she’d know your right!
 
Craig_J said:
she’d blow her fudging lid - mostly because she’d know your right!
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In all honesty thats my thought on it too, she just flipped a gasket at me for asking the question, said it wasn't true and when she admitted it after our son prompted her to she flipped it again at me.

I just walked away and hence messaging on here as its helped me relax and not react back.

After sleeping on it I think I will keep my powder dry on it and hope to see an apology some time soon but not holding my breath
 
Really you’re kind of snookered though. It’s difficult to communicate any of it in a way that doesn’t sound bitter/ jealous/ petty because it’s all very cliched. I hope she’s mature enough to understand your concerns and meet you half way.

Above all else though don’t let her feel she can do as she pleases just because she’s the main custodian. As 90291 says, communicating will be best for future as well.
 
Grays_1890 said:
In all honesty thats my thought on it too, she just flipped a gasket at me for asking the question, said it wasn't true and when she admitted it after our son prompted her to she flipped it again at me.

I just walked away and hence messaging on here as its helped me relax and not react back.

After sleeping on it I think I will keep my powder dry on it and hope to see an apology some time soon but not holding my breath
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Blimey sounds frustrating. Relying on others is very much painful. Hopefully all will be well!
 
Grays_1890 said:
Agree, and thats where I am stuck with it, any thing I say looks bitter and jealous which its not, I just feel slightly let down that I had to hear both from my son and then got read the riot act for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Such is life
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If it's any consolation, she read you the riot act, because she got caught out not telling the truth. It's a defence mechanism.

She also knows that she was wrong not to tell you/let your son come home without her... Because she lied to cover this up. If there was nothing wrong... Why lie?
 
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Not one Id let go, to be honest.

If it were my Mrs, I dont care if she blows up - it doesnt make it right.

Though she is quite unreasonable when on the defensive. So Id hold my tongue for a while, and approach her calmly when she has had time to calm down herself.

Then Id tell her in no uncertain terms what is right, what is not, and what is expected.

I usually find the "How would you feel if it was the other way around...?" angle works well with mine, it throws the defence out the window and gives immediate perspective.

I dont think you are wrong at all mate, absolutely in your shows Id be very upset and angry and justifiably so.

The only place I disagree is the idea you might let it slide. This could set a precedent, so needs to be set right before it forms a pattern.
 
DTA said:
If it's any consolation, she read you the riot act, because she got caught out not telling the truth. It's a defence mechanism.

She also knows that she was wrong not to tell you/let your son come home without her... Because she lied to cover this up. If there was nothing wrong... Why lie?
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100% this.

Seeing things from others perspective is a skill not too many possess
 
Grays_1890 said:
Yeh thanks buddy, I won't let it slide but I will let it settle.
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I think you need to decide what you want out of it - what is more of an issue. That she is going away without telling you or letting him come back solo with the other half (with out telling you)? I guess he looks after the boy on his own when she is in the country so is it a bigger issue. Try not to get the two issues mixed up.

Try and set the ground rules but let her know once they are decided they apply to both of you, not just her.
 
r-u-s-x said:
I think you need to decide what you want out of it - what is more of an issue. That she is going away without telling you or letting him come back solo with the other half (with out telling you)? I guess he looks after the boy on his own when she is in the country so is it a bigger issue. Try not to get the two issues mixed up.

Try and set the ground rules but let her know once they are decided they apply to both of you, not just her.
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I think the two are linked. We have had what I believe till now a fair fair and two way street. I believe that I should have the respect as his dad to be told both on the basis I am his father and I have parental responsibility. They could do both with my blessing but I do believe I have the right to know.
 
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