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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

First we see Harry's arse, and then we see Kate's tits.

But nothing quite beats seeing Diana spread over a car. * *

8-[
 
Can imagine this thread will slowly come to an end now Mick Cooper has retired from the board
 
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
 
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well, the boss like the kid so he gives him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we
close and see how you did."
The next day, after the store's been locked up, the boss says, "How many sales did you make?"
The kid says, "Just one."
The boss says, "Just one?! Our salespeople average twenty to thirty sales a day! How much was
the sale for?"
The kid grins and says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well,
your weekends's shot; you might as well go fishing.'"
 
They wouldn't speak out whilst Jimmy Saville was alive, so why should they speak out now then, now then?
 
I must have misheard the wife when she said I should focus on getting 'a new direction'
The look on her face when I was arrested in Tesco's, naked with a hard on!
 
‎4 Men were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was.
The first man says "You know, I think the fastest thing is a thought because before you can think it's already thought"
The second replies "No way, the fastest thing is a blink before you think to blink you've blinked already!"
Then the third man breaks in and says "The fastest thing has to be electricity because when you turn on the light, it travel's fast and the light comes on instantly"
"You're all wrong" says the last man "The fastest thing is diarrhea"
"Diarrhea?!" They all say
"Yes, cos last night before i could think, blink or switch the light on I'd brick myself"
 
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.

I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fudging pub.
 
JD sports are to bring out a Jimmy savile commemorative tracksuit.

The tops are adult size, but you have to squeeze into kiddies bottoms.
 
I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. fudge me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a
pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been c0cked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus...
Still, at the end of the day, a shags a shag!
 
Not really a joke but the Saville joke and FB reminded me of a mates status the other day.

It was along the lines of "Shall I play a bit of FIFA 13 or some Saville with the missus?"

There's me thinking he'd been quite clever and dirty at the same time but actually was a typo and he meant "Smallville" Hahaha
 
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