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Roomba (and pets)

Discussion in 'Randomination' started by Kandi1977, 2 Apr 2019.

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  1. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Rafael Van Der Vaart

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    So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It's taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough - something that's probably happened to most of you.

    Sometime between midnight and 1:30am, our puppy pooped a massive turd on our rug in the living room. This is the only time she's done this, so it's probably just because we forgot to let her out before we went to bed that night. Now, if you have a detective's mind, you may be wondering how we know the poop occurred between midnight and 1:30am. We were asleep, so how do I know that time frame?

    Why, friends, that's because our Roomba runs at 1:30am every night, while we sleep. And it found the poop. And so begins the Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.

    If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I'm about to tell you.

    Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

    It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.

    Then, when your kid gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you'll wonder why she smells like dog poop. And you'll walk into the living room. And you'll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you'll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything's okay. Like it's proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

    And then the horror. Oh the horror.

    So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off her feet and put her back in bed. But you don't bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what's coming. It's inevitable, and it's coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you're not one of those people - you can't go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.

    So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn't just on your hands - it's smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that "whirlllllllllllllllll-boop-hisssssssss" noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet. More on that later.

    Oh, and you're not just using profanity - you're inventing new types of profanity. You're saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there's no way he's not ending up in prison.

    Then you get out the carpet shampooer. When you push it up to the rug - the rug that started it all - the shampooer just laughs at you. Because that rug is going in the trash, folks. But you shampoo it anyway, because your wife loved that damn rug, and you know she'll ask if you tried to clean it first.

    Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.

    And then, because it's 6am, you go to bed. Let's finish this tomorrow, right?

    The next day, you finish taking the Roomba apart, scraping out all the tiny flecks of poop, and after watching a few Youtube instructional videos, you remove the motherboard to wash it with a toothbrush. Then you bake it in the oven to dry. You put it all back together, and of course it doesn't work. Because you heard the "whirlllllllllllllll-boop-hissssssss" noise when it died its poopy death in the bathtub. But you hoped that maybe the Roomba gods would have mercy on you.

    But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. After spending a week researching how to fix this damn £500 Roomba without spending £500 again - including refurb units, new motherboards, and new batteries - you finally decide to call the place where you bought it. That place called Hammacher Schlemmer. They have a funny name, but they have an awesome warranty. They claim it's for life, and it's for any reason.

    So I called them and told the truth. My Roomba found dog poop and almost precipitated World War III.

    And you know what they did? They offered to replace it. Yes, folks. They are replacing the Roomba that ran over dog poop and then died a poopy, watery death in the bathtub - by no fault of their own, of course.

    So, mad props to Hammacher Schlemmer. If you're buying anything expensive, and they sell it, I recommend buying it from them. And remember - don't let your Roomba run over dog poop...

    roomba.jpg
     
    Last edited: 2 Apr 2019
    Robbo, milo, Seedy Ron and 6 others like this.
  2. galeforce

    galeforce Vic Buckingham

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    bravo

    I'd have just moved house
     
  3. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    Just emailed your excellent post to my family @Kandi1977 :)
     
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  4. Glenda's Legs

    Glenda's Legs Justin Edinburgh

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    My first thought was to be thankful I had just finished my lunch before reading that.
    But who would have thought dog poo combined with a household appliance could result in such brilliant prose. Post of the year contender.
    Have you kept the dog as well?
     
  5. NoLimits01

    NoLimits01 Reto Ziegler

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    I’d have gone back to bed and left it to my wife :|
     
  6. NoLimits01

    NoLimits01 Reto Ziegler

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    Yeah how big is the dog cause that’s a whole lotta poop
     
  7. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Rafael Van Der Vaart

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    It's a 5 month old Golden Retriever. It's quite incredible how the Roomba manages to finely and evenly distribute a turd over a massive area. With a few tweeks, it would be brilliant at painting floors!
     
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  8. MKSpur

    MKSpur Eidur Gudjohnsen

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    x2.
     
  9. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    Are the Roomba’s any good for carpets (in normal use)?
     
  10. Glenda's Legs

    Glenda's Legs Justin Edinburgh

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    :D As if spreading dog cr*p is a "use" type!
     
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  11. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    There just had to be one didn’t there;)
     
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  12. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Rafael Van Der Vaart

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    It does well on flat vowen carpets, but not well at all on rugs with long fibres. The one in question here, is kind of in the middle of that. Medium long, standing, fluffy fibres. It picks up the obvious dust and pieces, and does and excellent job of covering it in poo.
     
  13. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    Are they as noisy as a normal hoover?
    Running during the night I would make me think not
     
  14. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Rafael Van Der Vaart

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    The cheaper models are almost as noisy as a regular hoover. We had one of them before. But this newer and more expensive model is pretty quiet. Don't notice it from the bedroom in the floor below.
     
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  15. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    How much is expensive?
     
  16. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Rafael Van Der Vaart

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    The one which is now dead was £500 a couple of years ago. It's no longer in production, so had to choose another model which costs whopping £900. There is an even more advanced version that costs almost £1200 :eek:
     
  17. StephenH

    StephenH Tom Huddlestone

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    Wow!
     
  18. glasgowspur

    glasgowspur Simon Davies

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    Was a bit disappointed at first as I thought was going be about dancing pets.
    It turned out to be a work genius though, so I'll forgive you.

    Oh, and sorry to hear about your troubles.
     
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  19. Seedy Ron

    Seedy Ron Justin Edinburgh

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    Definitely time for the insurance fire.
     
  20. milo

    milo Tony Galvin Staff Member

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    I've got a Eufy that costs a couple of hundred quid. It's very good but I haven't tried it on dog brick yet.
     
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