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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Discussion in 'Randomination' started by Roy1983, 14 Jan 2012.

  1. Roy1983

    Roy1983 Edward Sheringham

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    Feel like crying. Come on Mike Cooper do your stuff. And Boonie please post the jokes from the old thread again please?

    Ill start us off with my favourite from the old thread:

    Since this snow started falling all my missus has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse Ill have to let her in!!
     
  2. GLENROYID

    GLENROYID Ruel Fox

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    Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?

    Find out after the break. * *

    ----

    Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -

    It gives you something to read while you're in the bricker.

    ---
    How do you start a rave in Africa?

    Glue toast to the ceiling. * *

    ---
     
  3. GLENROYID

    GLENROYID Ruel Fox

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    Some classics...


    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

    The librarian says; "fudge off, you won't bring it back." * *

    ---
    A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

    "Morning!" he said.

    The other man replies, "No, just having a brick."
    ---
    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fudging appendix out!"
     
  4. raboner

    raboner Banned

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    What's a wombat for? ... Playing wom.

    Two sausages in a frypan, one sausage turns to the other and exclaims: 'blimey it's hot in here!' .. the other sausage responds: 'fudge me! a talking sausage!'

    Two fish in a tank, one commands the other: 'you man the cannon, i'll drive!'

    Why did the mushroom go to the house party? .. Because he was a fun-gi.
     
  5. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
    seen you in a while.

    What happened? You look terrible.'

    ... 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

    Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

    Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
    ball, but I'm fine now.'

    Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

    Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
    a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.

    I'm fine, really.'

    Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

    Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea-gulls flew
    over. I looked up,,, and one of them brick in my eye.'

    'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from
    bird brick?'

    Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'
     
  6. bennysleftfoot

    bennysleftfoot Steven Caulker

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    What sits on the water and goes quick?

    A south African duck
     
  7. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    Two Paratroopers are on patrol in Afghan, theres a curfew on at 2200 hrs and anyone out after that time is to be shot.....the 1st Para sees a guy walking down the road 'Bang!'....he takes him out...2nd bloke says 'What did you do that for? Its only 2145 hrs!'....1st Para says 'I know where he lives...he wouldn't have made it home on time!'
     
  8. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    A man is sitting reading his paper when his wife comes up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. What was that for he asked. Thats for the bit of paper i found in your pocket with the name Mary Ellen on it. He tells her its the name of a horse he had a bet on.

    Satisfied with his answer she said no more. A few days later he was reading his paper again when she whacked him on the head with a bigger frying pan knocking him out cold.
    When he came to he asked what was that for, she replied, "your fudging horse phoned."
     
  9. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
    On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
    "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
    "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him ?ú240 a week, and he... has a free cottage.
    Then there's the housekeeper. She gets ?ú190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
    There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about ?ú25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

    "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

    "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
     
  10. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    Jokes for Leeds Spur

    A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

    ... Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

    Vet: "Is it a tom?"

    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
    .......................................................................................

    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

    ...................................................................................................
    A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
    He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
    True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

    When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

    He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

    The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

    Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

    The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

    "E, she were thin".

    ...................................................................................

    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
     
  11. Seedy Ron

    Seedy Ron Simon Davies

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    :D it's this thread I missed the most during the blackout, great work Mick.
     
  12. philspursuk

    philspursuk Bobby Zamora

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    I met my new girlfriends parents last night, her dad took me to one side & said "If you ever hurt her you'll have me to answer to" I said "Thats highly unlikely, Ive only got a small rooster & she has an ******** like a hippo's yawn"...
     
  13. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    [h=6]ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING

    If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.
    Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.
    He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.
    [/h] [h=6] [/h] [h=6]The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.[/h] [h=6]tonight I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard the wife shout from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the dogs'[/h] [h=6] [/h] [h=6]I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
    All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
    [/h] [h=6] [/h] [h=6]Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.[/h] [h=6] [/h] [h=6]The wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......[/h] [h=6][/h]
     
  14. spasm

    spasm Alan Hutton

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    :D
     
  15. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven, Sir.
    Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven.
    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
    ... Johnny: Six.
    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven!!!
    A very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?
    Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a fudgein' cat at home!!!
     
  16. thfcsteff

    thfcsteff Colin Calderwood Staff Member

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    :)
    Thank GHod you're back Sir!
     
  17. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    • [h=6]The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven
      dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy
      leads the pack.

      'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
      ...
      Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
      nuns in Rome ?'

      The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
      and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '

      In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
      Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

      Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
      of Europe ?'

      The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
      'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ..'

      This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

      Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

      Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
      anywhere in the world?'

      The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
      son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

      The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
      pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
      chanting......

      'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

      'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'[/h]
     
  18. Crawley

    Crawley Board Legend

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    Did he shag the penguin more than once?:rolleyes:
     
  19. Jordinho

    Jordinho John White Staff Member

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    Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

    So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

    First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
    so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

    Ok, now take off my skirt...
    and he takes off her skirt.

    Now take off my bra...
    which he does.

    And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
    and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

    "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
     
  20. mick cooper

    mick cooper Neil Sullivan

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    "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of brick by the clean end."
     

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