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Dilemma...

DHSF

DHSF

Rafael Van Der Vaart
So my ex girlfriends mum has been in hospital for the past few weeks - she was in hospital because of severe side effects from some medication she was taking.

I have found out from her new boyfriend (who texted me) that her mum passed away and the funeral is this tuesday. I have been speaking to her recently just checking up on her to see how she was doing (as she did tell me her mum was in hospital).

I obviously still have feelings for her and care for her deeply (the one girl who has ever kind of made me feel something for a girl) anyways - should I or should I not go?

I havent been in this position before where its either my needs or her needs that come first... so some advice would be of help. I do have some resentment that she didnt tell me herself and her boyfriend had to tell me etc I know its selfish but im brushing that aside so to speak.
 
Move on...

Unless she asks if you want to go.

Send her your condolences obviously and thats it.

Bit weird an ex boyfriend going to his ex's mums funeral.
 
Superhudd said:
Move on...

Unless she asks if you want to go.

Send her your condolences obviously and thats it.

Bit weird an ex boyfriend going to his ex's mums funeral.
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Well we are still "friends" as it were. I just havent seen her in four months.

I thought it was more weird that her boyfriend chose to fudgein tell me (I just dont know if she told him to contact me or he just got her phone and told everyone in the phone book). Thats what I am more annoyed about then again im sure she is just devastated and couldnt tell me her self. She was really close to her mother.

I dont know. fudgein hate these decisions.
 
GLENROYID said:
Send flowers, thats the most you need to do
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I was gonna do that anyways - send some white Chrysanthemums (apparently theyre the type of flowers for funerals)

Its not a funeral its a cremation but you get the jist - never been to a cremation.
 
Pay your respects if that's what you want to do, it's the right thing to do. Discuss it with the ex and her new partner, explain you're not attention seeking or hijacking the service, merely paying your respects to someone you remain fond of despite the history with her daughter. If your ex said she'd prefer you not to go then respect her wishes and just send flowers.
 
Gordinho said:
Pay your respects if that's what you want to do, it's the right thing to do. Discuss it with the ex and her new partner, explain you're not attention seeking or hijacking the service, merely paying your respects to someone you remain fond of despite the history with her daughter. If your ex said she'd prefer you not to go then respect her wishes and just send flowers.
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I dont think I need to discuss it with her. I mean her boyfriend sent me the text and called me to tell me so im assuming either he took her phone and started ringing and texting her phone book or she told him to text me etc - but was just confused why she didnt tell me herself. I mean we have been talking etc.

The main point was - whether I should go as I still have feelings for her and I dont want to meet her new boyfriend etc. Having said that I truly care for her and need to give her support BUT she has plenty of friends and her boyfriend to give her support.

I dont think I will go as I dont want to intrude on her family and friends etc but I just have this sense that I dont want her to think I dont give a brick about her now that we broke up and I had acted "fake" over her and her mums well being.
 
DHSF said:
So her boyfriend calling or texting me is not an "invite"?

Like I say I dont think im gonna go but im kinda distraught for her.
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If ur invited,go if u want to.

Its a time to remember and celebrate her mums life, NOTHING else.

Essentially it's not about u or u and her.
Its about the lady that died.
 
monkeybarry said:
If ur invited,go if u want to.

Its a time to remember and celebrate her mums life, NOTHING else.

Essentially it's not about u or u and her.
Its about the lady that died.
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It is you are correct. I guess I was bein selfish in my thoughts and feelings.

I just dont know if it was an invite. I think I will just send flowers delivered with a note
 
Did the guy tell you when and where the funeral/wake is being held? if so then I'd count that as an invite.
 
If it was me in that position I would probably go (because you and your ex left on good terms I presume as you said you're still friends).

Go, show your respects and say to her you're sorry for her loss face to face.

Nothing wrong with that and it shows you are a descent guy.

You can just send flowers but in my opinion that would be the easy thing to do.

This is all based on you knowing her mother over time from going out with her daughter (i.e. the relationship lasted a while).
 
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7percent said:
Did the guy tell you when and where the funeral/wake is being held? if so then I'd count that as an invite.
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I wouldn't

He has almost f*ck all to do with their family

If he don't get an invite from his ex-girlfriend or his ex-girlfriends family, he ain't invited.
 
southstand1882 said:
I wouldn't

He has almost f*ck all to do with their family

If he don't get an invite from his ex-girlfriend or his ex-girlfriends family, he ain't invited.
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Its all decent advice but I think Southie is correct. As much as I care for her etc firstly she didnt invite me herself and secondly whilst I do think its a bit cowardly, I dont want to see her with her bf and will send flowers.
 
DHSF said:
Its all decent advice but I think Southie is correct. As much as I care for her etc firstly she didnt invite me herself and secondly whilst I do think its a bit cowardly, I dont want to see her with her bf and will send flowers.
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I got yo back blud
 
Maybe give her a ring just to let her know and to talk to her a bit about it if she needs you doesn't seem much but, it means a lot to some people. My mates been in a similar situation (was his ex's nan) before and he really didn't want to go but, in the long term I think it helped him alot and mended their relationship as friends because it showed that he was just there to give support.
 
DHSF said:
Its all decent advice but I think Southie is correct. As much as I care for her etc firstly she didnt invite me herself and secondly whilst I do think its a bit cowardly, I dont want to see her with her bf and will send flowers.
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But maybe she isn't really wanting to contact anyone.

We had the same sort of problem in our family not long ago and it was our family (brothers/sisters/nephew and nieces) of the person who passed away that did all the arrangments and invites as her sons/daughter and husband were not in the right state of mind and were in limbo land to be totally honest.

A mother and daughters bond is very close.
 
JellySpur said:
Maybe give her a ring just to let her know and to talk to her a bit about it if she needs you doesn't seem much but, it means a lot to some people. My mates been in a similar situation (was his ex's nan) before and he really didn't want to go but, in the long term I think it helped him alot and mended their relationship as friends because it showed that he was just there to give support.
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A metaphorical arm round the shoulder as such, when the chips are down it's nice when people make those little gestures of support. In the long run you'll be supporting her by finding out what her wishes are and acting on them.
 
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