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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
ItÔÇÖs a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. SheÔÇÖs wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. HeÔÇÖs wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his che...st with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his che...st with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'So what's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'So what's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
[h=6]Husband and wife were sitting at a table at her 20th anniversary secondary school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.
The husband asked: "Do you know him?"
"Yes," She sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My GHod!" says the husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"[/h]
The husband asked: "Do you know him?"
"Yes," She sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My GHod!" says the husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"[/h]
Crawley
Board Legend
A woman was standing in a crowded hotel lift when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. Oh my GHod sorry said the man but if your heart is as soft as your breast you'll forgive me. The woman replies 'and if your dingdong is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 111!'
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about who has the more clever dog. The first woman says 'My dog is so clever that every morning when the paper boy comes he picks the paper up off the floor and puts it on the table'. The second lady replies 'I know.'. How replies the first lady? The second lady says 'My dog told me'
markysimmo
Johnny nice-tits
I was giving the missus one from behind last night when I slipped a chocolate egg up her bum - Kinder surprised her
Crab.C.Nesbitt
Gheorge Popescu
Absolute genius! Lol
markysimmo
Johnny nice-tits
I was just walking through a graveyard when I saw a man crouching behind a grave "Morning" I said. The other man replies "No just having a brick"
Crawley
Board Legend
I was walking through that graveyard when I spied a little Elf crouched down with his head between his legs.
"Goblin?" I asked......
"No, I've got a fudging headache..........."
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
A woman is talking to her husband. She asks: "If I died, would you meet someone else?"
He replies: "I don't see why not."
She says: "Would she sleep in our bed."
"Probably, yes," he answers.
His wife asks: "Would you play golf with her?"
He replies: "Yes, I think so."
"And would she use my clubs?"
Her husband replies: "No, she's left-handed."
He replies: "I don't see why not."
She says: "Would she sleep in our bed."
"Probably, yes," he answers.
His wife asks: "Would you play golf with her?"
He replies: "Yes, I think so."
"And would she use my clubs?"
Her husband replies: "No, she's left-handed."
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
...
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
...
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
An 80 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for the doctor. He turns up two days later at the doctors with an empty jar.
The nurse asks him, “Why is there no sperm sample?”
The old man replied, “Sorry, I tried with my right hand and then with my left hand, then my wife tried with both hands! My wife then tried using her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out. We then asked Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can’t get the fudging jar open!”
The nurse asks him, “Why is there no sperm sample?”
The old man replied, “Sorry, I tried with my right hand and then with my left hand, then my wife tried with both hands! My wife then tried using her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out. We then asked Ethel from next door to try, but it was no good, we just can’t get the fudging jar open!”
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look", says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs and then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of GHod, HAND LOTION TOO!”
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look", says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs and then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of GHod, HAND LOTION TOO!”
A gypsy girl is about to get married.
Her mum says, “Emerald, do you realise that when you are married, your husband will want to stick his prize possession in to where you tinkle”.
The daughter replied, “Shut up Ma, how the hell is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink?”
Her mum says, “Emerald, do you realise that when you are married, your husband will want to stick his prize possession in to where you tinkle”.
The daughter replied, “Shut up Ma, how the hell is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink?”
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shop keeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, leans forward and whispers… “I don’t wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc”.
The shop keeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, leans forward and whispers… “I don’t wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc”.
A wife gets home from work to find her husband watching the football again.
She said, “I’m leaving you. All you do is talk about football and that’s all you think about. Also, I’m seeing someone else. He’s younger than you, more handsome, tender and understanding. He always treats me like a lady, has a 12” **** and shags me every day”.
“Really?” the husband replies, “What team does he support?”
She said, “I’m leaving you. All you do is talk about football and that’s all you think about. Also, I’m seeing someone else. He’s younger than you, more handsome, tender and understanding. He always treats me like a lady, has a 12” **** and shags me every day”.
“Really?” the husband replies, “What team does he support?”