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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Discussion in 'Randomination' started by Roy1983, 14 Jan 2012.

  1. Baleforce

    Baleforce Steve Archibald

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    First kid: My Dad’s an actor.

    Second kid: Wow, he’s great, I thought he was your real Dad.
     
  2. SteveAWOL

    SteveAWOL Andy Thompson

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    Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say “Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter”

    Diane always replied, “I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid and ninety quid is ninety quid”

    One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said “Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

    To this, Diane replied “Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.”

    The pilot overheard the couple and said “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you but if you say one word, it's ninety quid!”

    Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!”

    Jack replied “Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!”
     
  3. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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    Did you hear about the cheese that painted his wife?
    He Double Gloucester.
     
  4. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    Almost new robot vacuum cleaner for sale.
    Cleans out about 50m2
    Acivated with foot switch
    Perfect Christmas gift for your mother in law
    20201212_231619.jpg
     
    MKSpur, Bullet and SteveAWOL like this.
  5. SteveAWOL

    SteveAWOL Andy Thompson

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    My mate tried some of those Walkers new mystery flavour crisps last night, and he swore they tasted like his wife's fanny.
    At first, he thought it was his imagination...........but everyone in the pub agreed.


    Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her underwear, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.
    The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you."


    I've put my Rottweiler on a Vegan diet.
    So far he has eaten five of them.
     
  6. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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    Irishman goes for a job at a farm. Farmer says "Have you ever shoed horses?" He says "No, but I told a donkey to fudge off once".
     
    Yiddo and thfcsteff like this.
  7. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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    Just had an officer at the door, saying he was looking for a man with one eye.
    Told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.
     
  8. MKSpur

    MKSpur Johnny Morrison

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    A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

    The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

    "I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
     
  9. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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  10. Baleforce

    Baleforce Steve Archibald

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    Gary Delaney is very funny, his jokes are funnier when you know who his missus is, as are hers, it’s both brilliant and cute that they feature so heavily in each other’s acts unnamed.
     
  11. Bullet

    Bullet Steffen Freund

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    I found those jokes very funny indeed, he just needs to slow down a bit and not rush the delivery every time. Very funny material though.
     
  12. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    - What do we want?
    - A cure for tourettes!
    - When do we want it?
    - fudging clam!
     
    thfcsteff likes this.
  13. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked the wife to lie back on his couch. He embraced and kissed her long and passionately, raised her skirt and performed cunnilingus for ten minutes as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
    The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
     
  14. thfcsteff

    thfcsteff Willie Hall

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    he's back with a blinder! Thank you Sir!
     
  15. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    PMS jokes are not funny.
    Period.
     
    thfcsteff likes this.
  16. Crab.C.Nesbitt

    Crab.C.Nesbitt Ilie Dumitrescu

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    Until recently my penis was in the guiness book of world records….but then the librarian asked me to take it out!
     
    metalgear and SteveAWOL like this.
  17. Aldo

    Aldo Didier Zokora

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    Man: "Do you have the new book about how to live life with a small penis?"

    Librarian "I'm sorry, I don't think it's in yet"

    Man: "Yes, that's the one"
     
  18. Aldo

    Aldo Didier Zokora

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    Did you hear about the French chef who killed himself?
    He'd lost the huile d’olive.
     
  19. Baleforce

    Baleforce Steve Archibald

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    reminds me of the suicidal pizza chef, he topped himself
     
  20. Aldo

    Aldo Didier Zokora

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    How do non-binary ninjas kill people?

    They slash Them.
     

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