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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Discussion in 'Randomination' started by Roy1983, 14 Jan 2012.

  1. Roland Beurre

    Roland Beurre Stephen Clemence

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    Another Ted Lowe classic (I think), about Fred Davis, who was still a top snooker player in his seventies.

    "Fred's too old to get his leg over these days so he uses his left hand instead".
     
  2. mjc23

    mjc23 Steve Hodge

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    10 years to the day since I married my best friend. Fair to say the wife is still pretty angry but me and Dave were pretty drunk at the time and thought it would be a good laugh.
     
    Moby likes this.
  3. mjc23

    mjc23 Steve Hodge

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    Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me. All three said “no”.
     
    Parklaner81, Moby and MKSpur like this.
  4. spitshine

    spitshine Sebastien Bassong

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    Sad news about John McCririck..
    Funeral service will leave his house at 10/1
    Followed by a private burial at 5/2
    Family invite you back to their local at 5/4
    Bring a box of tissues it will be heavy going
     
  5. mjc23

    mjc23 Steve Hodge

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    My wife bought a new bra yesterday. It looks nice but it's really hard to unhook.
    I'm not even sure why I tried it on now.
     
    glasgowspur and Kandi1977 like this.
  6. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    Location:
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    As a plane is about to crash, a woman jumps up and annonces;
    - if I'm about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!
    She removes all of her clothes and says:
    - is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
    A man stands up and rips off his shirt
    - Here! Iron this!
     
  7. scaramanga

    scaramanga Mel Hopkins Staff Member

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    What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?


    Found in your cell, unresponsive

    (shamelessly stolen from Popbitch)
     
    Moby, thfcsteff, AuroRaman and 4 others like this.
  8. inkpenspur

    inkpenspur Goran Bunjevcevic

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    What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

    Having a lentil on your face doesn't cost 200 quid.
     
    Moby, thfcsteff, Seedy Ron and 4 others like this.
  9. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    A man and a woman is having sex when the woman's phone rings.
    She answers the phone, and after a short conversation, she just says "OK" and hangs up.
    - Who was that? , says the man
    - It was my husband. He said he'll come home late, because he's playing poker with you.
     
  10. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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  11. Baleforce

    Baleforce Steve Archibald

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    From my daughter,

    Did you hear about the man who got his left side cut off?


    He’s alright now.
     
  12. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Les Ferdinand

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  13. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar

    Those were the days....
     
    glasgowspur likes this.
  14. monkeybarry

    monkeybarry Chris Perry

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    A priest, a rabbit and imam walk into a pub.
    The rabbit says, "I may have been a typo"
     
  15. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    True story this, works better in my native language, but you'll get the point.

    I was in the grocery store, and the bloke in front of me picks up the phone and calls what I believe was his wife:
    - Hi darling! Was it milk I was supposed to buy?
    - No, for gods sake! Nesquick! Buy Nesquick!
    - Yeah right! I always mix up those two.
     
    Last edited: 27 Apr 2020
    Baleforce likes this.
  16. Bullet

    Bullet Steffen Freund

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    Explain
     
  17. thfcsteff

    thfcsteff Willie Hall

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    Milk + Nesquick...you put the powder into the milk and mix it.
     
  18. Bullet

    Bullet Steffen Freund

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    Oh. Disappoint.
     
  19. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Les Howe

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    - Darling, say something that makes me feel like a woman!

    - Ehh... You can't parallel park.
     
    thfcsteff likes this.
  20. JerusalemMan

    JerusalemMan Nick Barmby

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    True story.
     
    Kandi1977 likes this.

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