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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Discussion in 'Randomination' started by Roy1983, 14 Jan 2012.

  1. parklane1

    parklane1 Andy Thompson

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    The best ever and what made it worse was the Commentry box collapsing with laughter for ages, brilliant.

    Another one was Johnston was renowned for his on-air schoolboy humour and puns. In one incident during a Test match at the Oval in 1991, Jonathan Agnew suggested that when Ian Botham was out hit wicket, trying to hurdle the stumps, it was because he had failed to "get his leg over"
     
    galeforce likes this.
  2. galeforce

    galeforce Tony Galvin

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    there was a good one along the lines of

    "with his lovely soft hands, he tosses it off"

    can't remember who though
     
  3. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Jimmy Neighbour

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    Think you dreamt that one.
     
  4. MKSpur

    MKSpur Sergei Rebrov

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    Griffiths is snookered on the brown, which, for those of you watching in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink. Ted Lowe
     
  5. richie_spur

    richie_spur Paul Moran

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    Just finished listening to Tony Robinson's autobiography on audiobook. He talks about the Time Team Live episode and claims Carenza, who apparently has a bit of a dirty mind, knew exactly what she was saying to see if she could get away with it...
     
  6. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Paul Walsh

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    Before, just mentioning plastic surgery or other body enhancements was a taboo. Now if you mention Botox, no one raises an eyebrow.
     
  7. inkpenspur

    inkpenspur Ronnie Rosenthal

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    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

    St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?

    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

    St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?

    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

    St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

    When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

    The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
     
  8. inkpenspur

    inkpenspur Ronnie Rosenthal

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    Just got back from a holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a lady boy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady.... it was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself 'hang on a fudging minute.....'
     
  9. inkpenspur

    inkpenspur Ronnie Rosenthal

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    A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents that the drive to school with Granny was very different. 'What made it different?' asked her parents. 'Well' she replied, 'Granny and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or clown shoe on the whole journey'.
     
  10. thfcsteff

    thfcsteff Colin Calderwood Staff Member

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    Tremendous!!!!!!!!!
     
  11. glasgowspur

    glasgowspur Vedran Corluka

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    It was when Dave Allen told it.
     
  12. parklane1

    parklane1 Andy Thompson

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    Top man.
     
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  13. glasgowspur

    glasgowspur Vedran Corluka

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    Certainly was, and bloody funny to boot.
     
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  14. Kandi1977

    Kandi1977 Paul Walsh

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    Conversation between two northerners:
    - Clive, if I shag your wife, are we then related?
    - No, we're even.
     
    Last edited: 1 Feb 2019
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  15. galeforce

    galeforce Tony Galvin

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    Why are they both called Clive?








    Brothers?
     
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  16. mjc23

    mjc23 Ramon Vega

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    Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?
    Mick replies, "Don't know, give it here."
    He then tries it and says, "yes it is."
    Paddy asks, "How do you know?"
    Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
     
  17. LemonadeMoney

    LemonadeMoney Jimmy Neighbour

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    "Daddy?" says the son, "What's the difference between a pussy and a clam?"
    The dad lifts the duvet on his sleeping wife, and points whispering "Well, that there is a pussy".
    "Oh", says the boy, "can I touch it?“
    “No!", says dad, "you'll wake the clam up!"
     
    Kandi1977 likes this.
  18. nayenezgani

    nayenezgani Mauricio Taricco

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  19. Aldo

    Aldo Bobby Mimms

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    I think I saw Michael J Fox in my local garden centre, it was a bit hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias.
     
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  20. 90291Spur

    90291Spur Frederic Kanoute

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    FROM THE DEAR MR LEVY BLOG COMMENTS SECTION

    Shelfside Pete3 days ago


    A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool.
    She asks the class to raise their hands if they, too are Liverpool fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
    "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies.
    The teacher still shocked asks: "Well, if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
    "I'm a Tottenham fan, and proud of it," miss
    The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Spurs fan?"
    "Because my mum and dad are from Tottenham and are Spurs fans, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
    "Still, says the teacher, annoyed, "that's" no reason for you to be a Spurs fan as well, You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief,
    Would you be like them then?"
    "No smiles Mary, "I" be a Feking Liverpool fan
     

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