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Does anyone suffer from mental illness on here?

markysimmo said:
Try to keep positive Hotshot
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Thanks man. I’ve kinda been ok, I guess I did a lot of grieving beforehand.

She is playing silly buggers tonight about getting the house valued though which has set me back.

She wants to see her GP to get some support with her mental health which I fully support, but she’s saying she can’t get a face to face appointment due to Covid. I checked and the it seems that the surgery is open but there’s no talking to her sometimes.

And she won’t move forward with the valuation or tell her parents until she’s seen the doctor. I feel like I’m being strung along and I just want to get on with it now the back is rolling.

I can’t push her too hard as she’ll just refuse and I want to keep things amicable for obvious reasons.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Thanks man. I’ve kinda been ok, I guess I did a lot of grieving beforehand.

She is playing silly buggers tonight about getting the house valued though which has set me back.

She wants to see her GP to get some support with her mental health which I fully support, but she’s saying she can’t get a face to face appointment due to Covid. I checked and the it seems that the surgery is open but there’s no talking to her sometimes.

And she won’t move forward with the valuation or tell her parents until she’s seen the doctor. I feel like I’m being strung along and I just want to get on with it now the back is rolling.

I can’t push her too hard as she’ll just refuse and I want to keep things amicable for obvious reasons.
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Maybe try and use this to help her get some help. Unless organised and demanding the NHS will happily let people slip through the net.

When people break up they go into a kind of emergency setting and can do exceptional things. So maybe can use that to get her engaging with professionals. Sounds like you were both stuck - her being dependent on you, but also not wanting to address things. You feeling powerless to see her make some positive steps.

1. Recovery is possible
2. GPs will do phone appointments.
3. There is help out there, knowing what kinds of interventions she wants might help e.g. talking to people or meds or both.

I'm a big fan of the voice-hearing network. If the NHS doesn't work out, speaking to other people who have the same kinda thing but have figured out how to live with their voices and accept it, can help. But this is all up to her. Just let her know you'll support her. And she can move forward.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Thanks man. I’ve kinda been ok, I guess I did a lot of grieving beforehand.

She is playing silly buggers tonight about getting the house valued though which has set me back.

She wants to see her GP to get some support with her mental health which I fully support, but she’s saying she can’t get a face to face appointment due to Covid. I checked and the it seems that the surgery is open but there’s no talking to her sometimes.

And she won’t move forward with the valuation or tell her parents until she’s seen the doctor. I feel like I’m being strung along and I just want to get on with it now the back is rolling.

I can’t push her too hard as she’ll just refuse and I want to keep things amicable for obvious reasons.
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It sounds like you’re dealing with the situation with integrity mate. Keep trying to do the next right thing and looking after your own mental health. The patience, kindness and tolerance you are showing right now will go a long way whatever obstacles you may come up against at present.
 
SpurMeUp said:
Maybe try and use this to help her get some help. Unless organised and demanding the NHS will happily let people slip through the net.

When people break up they go into a kind of emergency setting and can do exceptional things. So maybe can use that to get her engaging with professionals. Sounds like you were both stuck - her being dependent on you, but also not wanting to address things. You feeling powerless to see her make some positive steps.

1. Recovery is possible
2. GPs will do phone appointments.
3. There is help out there, knowing what kinds of interventions she wants might help e.g. talking to people or meds or both.

I'm a big fan of the voice-hearing network. If the NHS doesn't work out, speaking to other people who have the same kinda thing but have figured out how to live with their voices and accept it, can help. But this is all up to her. Just let her know you'll support her. And she can move forward.
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Totally agree.

The issue we have at the moment is that she won’t do a phone appointment with the GP, she’s insisting on face to face, which is fine, but she’s happy to wait for literally months to get an appointment whereas I now want to get on with it.

I think the surgery is open and it’s a bit of a stalling tactic (I get it, it’s a tough time) and there’s no talking to her about it, or at least there wasn’t last night.

I will definitely recommend the voice hearing network to her, thank you for that.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Totally agree.

The issue we have at the moment is that she won’t do a phone appointment with the GP, she’s insisting on face to face, which is fine, but she’s happy to wait for literally months to get an appointment whereas I now want to get on with it.

I think the surgery is open and it’s a bit of a stalling tactic (I get it, it’s a tough time) and there’s no talking to her about it, or at least there wasn’t last night.

I will definitely recommend the voice hearing network to her, thank you for that.
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Sounds like from the delaying a doctors apoointment and the house valuation she is stalling but that probably wont be to f.ck you off.

You are probably in different lanes now. The reality of what lies (lays?) beyond you and her as a couple could well be scary for her? Even if it appears amicable and logically for the best.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Totally agree.

The issue we have at the moment is that she won’t do a phone appointment with the GP, she’s insisting on face to face, which is fine, but she’s happy to wait for literally months to get an appointment whereas I now want to get on with it.

I think the surgery is open and it’s a bit of a stalling tactic (I get it, it’s a tough time) and there’s no talking to her about it, or at least there wasn’t last night.

I will definitely recommend the voice-hearing network to her, thank you for that.
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A lot of people don't like being medicalised or 'put through the system', so this peer to peer network is outside all that. All you can do is try to be positive. Hard not to get drawn into a blaming each other. But rise above it!

I would suggest to her she uses this to take control. First with a quick call with the GP - and she can control what will happen, she can ask for talking therapy for example. Outline to her she has your support, but now is an oppotunity not to do the same old but be brave and make positive changes. And you can both do it! Who wants to be stuck in a rut?

There will be better days ahead.
 
ricky2tricky4city said:
Sounds like from the delaying a doctors apoointment and the house valuation she is stalling but that probably wont be to f.ck you off.

You are probably in different lanes now. The reality of what lies (lays?) beyond you and her as a couple could well be scary for her? Even if it appears amicable and logically for the best.
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Yes, I think I’ve come to terms with it as much as is currently possible. I’m not totally convinced she’s grasped what it means when it comes to the crunch. (She’s talking about booking a table for dinner when our favorite Chinese restaurant reopens next month and I’m like ??)

And yes, I think she will be scared and I’m very sensitive to that. It’s just I’ve spent seven years trying to fix this and failed, so now I want it moving forward.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Yes, I think I’ve come to terms with it as much as is currently possible. I’m not totally convinced she’s grasped what it means when it comes to the crunch. (She’s talking about booking a table for dinner when our favorite Chinese restaurant reopens next month and I’m like ??)

And yes, I think she will be scared and I’m very sensitive to that. It’s just I’ve spent seven years trying to fix this and failed, so now I want it moving forward.
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My first wife was a cnut as well.

Walk away just walk away. She is not your concern anymore mate.
 
SpurMeUp said:
A lot of people don't like being medicalised or 'put through the system', so this peer to peer network is outside all that. All you can do is try to be positive. Hard not to get drawn into a blaming each other. But rise above it!

I would suggest to her she uses this to take control. First with a quick call with the GP - and she can control what will happen, she can ask for talking therapy for example. Outline to her she has your support, but now is an oppotunity not to do the same old but be brave and make positive changes. And you can both do it! Who wants to be stuck in a rut?

There will be better days ahead.
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Yes, I’ll try the softly softly. She’s stubborn as a mule sometimes and the illness just shuts any communication down.

I’m going to continue to be practical: I’ve started decluttering and taking my old crap to the tip, so I’ll do some more of that this weekend so she can see it’s real and that I’m doing something about it.

I’ve instructed the solicitor to send me the papers. As I understand it we can start that side of it and agree the financials in due course.

Thanks for the reply man.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Yes, I’ll try the softly softly. She’s stubborn as a mule sometimes and the illness just shuts any communication down.

I’m going to continue to be practical: I’ve started decluttering and taking my old crap to the tip, so I’ll do some more of that this weekend so she can see it’s real and that I’m doing something about it.

I’ve instructed the solicitor to send me the papers. As I understand it we can start that side of it and agree the financials in due course.

Thanks for the reply man.
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You seem like a very compassionate person dealing with a very difficult situation. I can’t add anything of practical use but I do hope all works out so that you can move on and your wife gets the help she needs (even if she can’t see it now).
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Yes, I’ll try the softly softly. She’s stubborn as a mule sometimes and the illness just shuts any communication down.

I’m going to continue to be practical: I’ve started decluttering and taking my old crap to the tip, so I’ll do some more of that this weekend so she can see it’s real and that I’m doing something about it.

I’ve instructed the solicitor to send me the papers. As I understand it we can start that side of it and agree the financials in due course.

Thanks for the reply man.
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How are things mate?
Covid-tax is huge right now, throwing spanners into mental health everywhere, so I am sure that and fear are not helping your situation move forward at a decent pace? Hope things are going as well as they can. Everything worldwide is short-term get through until some definitive answer territory it seems...
 
thfcsteff said:
How are things mate?
Covid-tax is huge right now, throwing spanners into mental health everywhere, so I am sure that and fear are not helping your situation move forward at a decent pace? Hope things are going as well as they can. Everything worldwide is short-term get through until some definitive answer territory it seems...
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Could be worse thanks mate.

Solicitor seems to think I can petition on the grounds of two years’ separation with consent as we’ve technically not been ‘living as a couple’ (although in the same household) for longer than that.

That would make it much easier than having to go down the unreasonable behavior route as she contests some of the things that happened.

She has spoken to her GP who referred her back to the crisis team for support, so that’s a positive. They’re calling her in a couple of weeks.

The problem now is that she still hasn’t told her folks, and she needs them to buy me out. So we’re a way off the financials yet and I’m hoping she doesn’t try to sting me for a load of spousal support.

So we’re a couple of small steps forward. I just want it done now...

Cheers man.
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
The problem now is that she still hasn’t told her folks, and she needs them to buy me out. So we’re a way off the financials yet and I’m hoping she doesn’t try to sting me for a load of spousal support.
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How likely is that option? D'you know it's possible (from what you know) or is it something your wife has floated as an idea?. If they can't (or don't want to) ..where does that leave YOU? Any plan B's?
 
Hotshot-Tottenham said:
Could be worse thanks mate.

Solicitor seems to think I can petition on the grounds of two years’ separation with consent as we’ve technically not been ‘living as a couple’ (although in the same household) for longer than that.

That would make it much easier than having to go down the unreasonable behavior route as she contests some of the things that happened.

She has spoken to her GP who referred her back to the crisis team for support, so that’s a positive. They’re calling her in a couple of weeks.

The problem now is that she still hasn’t told her folks, and she needs them to buy me out. So we’re a way off the financials yet and I’m hoping she doesn’t try to sting me for a load of spousal support.

So we’re a couple of small steps forward. I just want it done now...

Cheers man.
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Good luck with it all.
Can I ask, do you get on with her parents and, maybe of more importance, do they accept her difficulties? Could be a vital factor in dealing with the potential issues you detail.
 
ricky2tricky4city said:
How likely is that option? D'you know it's possible (from what you know) or is it something your wife has floated as an idea?. If they can't (or don't want to) ..where does that leave YOU? Any plan B's?
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Thank you.

Short of telling them myself, the only leverage I’ve got is that I’m gently refusing to see them until she’s told them as I don’t want to deceive them, and it’s hard for me ‘act normal’. Covid is also a concern of course.

She said she had spoken to her mum in the past that if this ever happened apparently her mum said they’d buy me out.

How true that is I don’t know and whether they could afford the considerable lump sum (good equity) and fund the monthly outgoings I don’t know.

If not, the plan b could only be to sell and my wife would have to move back home. Sadly she’s just not capable of working.

For her to stay here the court would have to award her something mad like around 75% of my net salary in spousal support to run the house which is clearly not possible. I hope.
 
thfcsteff said:
Good luck with it all.
Can I ask, do you get on with her parents and, maybe of more importance, do they accept her difficulties? Could be a vital factor in dealing with the potential issues you detail.
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Yes, we get on really well. They’re only 5 mins around the corner and I’d go there most weekends on my own to watch Spurs with her Dad on the TV.

As I mentioned above, I haven’t seen them in a while which I miss but short of telling them myself it’s a way to nudge my wife to tell them.

And yes, they’re pretty well aware of her situation. I’d say they know 95% of it. I haven’t told them the very worst bits as it wouldn’t serve them at all, there’s no point.

My solicitor has drawn up the letter and we can divorce on the grounds of separation with consent, rather than me having to detail unreasonable behavior, so hopefully that will keep things amicable.

I need to tell her it’s coming, and maybe that will prompt her to tell her folks.
 
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