Tottenham Hotspur v West ‘Am United
White Hart Lane
Sunday February 22nd K.O. 12pm
Referee – Jonathan Moss
Tottenham Hotspur manager – Mauricio Pochettino
West ‘Am manager – Fat Sam the big dirty toe-raggin’ wanquer!
Mauricio Pochettino will be consuming his lunch in one of the stadium’s executive restaurants using cutlery and fine linens, whilst Fat Sam will be receiving his from some sheepskin-clad ‘errand boy’ in a large braahn papah bag (plenty of green in that meal for his good ‘elf)…
The Mighty Spurs take on Fat Sam’s jellied eels, the Dildo Brothers, dodgy East End market traders (as in Sunday morning not daily dawn-risers), and Karren Brady (insult enough in the name!) to name but four foul and odious things. What can we say? Not much except their followers must be sent packing back to gangsterland where they can continue to thieve a living selling dodgy watches, packs of tea-towels and useless home electronics from their market stalls with their LAAAHDEST VOICES POSSIBLE ELLO DARLIN I’M SAATCH A CHARMIN’ GEEEEZAH charm before retiring to their luxury caravans. They will, of course, only be successful in this if they don’t injure their knuckles sloping back off down the High Street after a pitch stuffing courtesy of Messers Kane, Eriksen, Lamela, Bentaleb, etc…by the way, unless the sky is completely overcast, be sure to wear sunglasses as you will have to follow portions of the game in the skies as Wet Spam pepper the air with rocket balls launched from their player’s hoofs.
Sunday is about cold-blooded revenge. Twice we allowed them to turn us over on OUR PITCH, but Sunday will see a return to winning ways.
Lamela, Kane, Mason
I further predict Levy will dispense with some of his finest reserve amber nectar and offer it in Dixie cups on a wooden tray to the opposition board for post-match refreshments in a small broom closet near the main toilets. He will not be present, as he will have a pressing engagement with his navel, a small piece of fluff and some paint drying in the corner of his office which will require his URGENT attention.