• Dear Guest, Please note that adult content is not permitted on this forum. We have had our Google ads disabled at times due to some posts that were found from some time ago. Please do not post adult content and if you see any already on the forum, please report the post so that we can deal with it. Adult content is allowed in the glory hole - you will have to request permission to access it. Thanks, scara

Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "tinkled Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
 
A gypsy girl is about to get married.

Her mum says, “Emerald, do you realise that when you are married, your husband will want to stick his prize possession in to where you tinkle”.

The daughter replied, “Shut up Ma, how the hell is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink?”

:ross:
 
Bloke goes to a doctors:

Doctor - 'You're going to have to stop masturbating'
Bloke - 'Why?'
Doctor - 'Because I'm trying to examine you'
 
A depressed young Portsmouth woman was so desperate that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Solent.
When she went down the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed
her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for," he said. "I'm off to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded.
After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained.
"He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me."
"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's screwing me" said the girl.
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight ferry"
 
I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My housemate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
 
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
...
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
 
My blonde g/f asked me how to spell "Orange"
"O-R-A-N-G-E" I replied.

she says "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit."
 
I think I'm allergic to porn.

Every time I watch it, my **** swells up..........


::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

You know you're getting old when:
I was watching Babe Station. There was this gorgeous girl in a skimpy little French maid's outfit, pushing a vac around, bending over provocatively. And as her little skirt rode up, exposing her lovely little bottom with the little strip of black material covering her crack, all I could think was:


"We used to have a Hoover like that one."
 
I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic."
I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
'
'
'
'
'
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have smaller ****s."
 
Im not a perv but today I got aroused by looking at a cereal box.

It said "To open, slide finger under flap."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I found a grey pubic hair on my balls today but I wasn't half as freaked out as the two women in the lift with me.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
 
Im slow with girls if Im honest ....

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my **** and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

Another time at the club I walked up to the bar on my lonesome and a lovely looking woman was sat there and she smiled at me ... So I said hi ... whats your name ..... She said, Chantelle ..... So I said no worries and walked away .....
 
I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dingdong at the time.
 
Back