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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


Sitting on my porcelain throne using glory-glory.co.uk mobile app
 
clownfoot said:
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


Sitting on my porcelain throne using glory-glory.co.uk mobile app
Click to expand...
o_O
 
clownfoot said:
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?


Sitting on my porcelain throne using glory-glory.co.uk mobile app
Click to expand...
A creation of your own?
 
clownfoot said:
No, saw it online and did a copy and paste job. I like the long style terrible punchline jokes


Sitting on my porcelain throne using glory-glory.co.uk mobile app
Click to expand...
You might this like one.


A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
 
Rorschach said:
You might this like one.


A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
Click to expand...
pnFtSNR.jpg
 
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

WomanThrowsMan-1.jpg
 
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Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?"
Paddy replies, "I will on three conditions: First, I'm not going to kiss it. Second, my family must never know. And third, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together".
 
LemonadeMoney said:
Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?"
Paddy replies, "I will on three conditions: First, I'm not going to kiss it. Second, my family must never know. And third, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together".
Click to expand...

Don't stop now...
 
I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, "Will you talk to my face, not my fudging tits."

This bloke rung up and ask me to meet him in the woods so he could show me his
rooster.
Weirdo never showed up!

I couldn't believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday.
We were only halfway through the bumps.
 
Two Irishmen walking down the street when they see a shop with signs in the window that say....

Suits from £10
Jackets £7.50
Trousers and dresses from £5

One says to the other, "look at dem fecking prices of these, we could buy a boatload, take dem back to Ireland, sell it and double or even treble our money" The other says, "dats a feckin great idea , but will they lets us buy all dat if they know we're Irish". "Don't worry" says the first guy, "watch this" and goes into the shop and says in his best English accent......"l would like twenty suits, thirty jackets, fifty pairs of trousers and twenty five dresses my good man" "Your Irish, aren't you?" says the shop assistant. "Yes!!" he replies, "how the feck did you know that??" The assistant says, "this is the dry cleaners"
 
Me and my girlfriend split up as we were at different places in our relationship............l was at her sisters
 
A checkout girl at Tescos, told me you can always tell the married men from the single fellas.
I said "How do you do that?", and she said watch this.
A guy comes up and puts his shopping on the till; one mushroom, one tomato, one slice of bacon, and one tin of beans.
She said, "A single fella you aren't you?"
He said, "How do you know that?"
She replied, "You're a right ugly clam!"
 
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