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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

"Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so fudging wet, give it to me now."
She can scream all she wants. I'm keeping the umbrella.

I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then, with a colossal *pop*, it all goes dark.
My girlfriend shouts: "Are you alright? The power just went out."
Thank fudge for that, I thought my eyes exploded.
 
I lost my job as a male masseuse on my first day today. Apparently "finish off on her face" does NOT mean what I thought it did!
 
Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she tells her husband she slept at a friend's house. He calls her 10 best friends, but none of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. Next morning he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed he had slept over, the last two claimed he was still there.


A woman brings her lover to her house in the middle of the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly and walks in on them, but manage to hide in the bedroom closet before he is seen. Then the woman's husband comes home early and the she hides her lover in the closet, not knowing that her son is already in there.

Little boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Little boy: I have a baseball.
Man: That's nice.
Little boy: Want to buy it?
Man: No thanks.
Little boy: My dad is outside.
Man: How much do you want?
Little boy: £250.

A few weeks later the exact same thing happens again and they are back in the closet.

Little boy: Dark in here.
Man: Yes, it is.
Little boy: I have a baseball glove.
Man: How much this time?
Little boy: £750.
Man: Sold

A few days later the father says to his son: Grab your glove, let's go outside and play some catch.
Boy: I can't, I sold my ball and my glove.
The dad asks: How much did you sell them for?
Boy: £1000
Dad: That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. It's way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church to confess.

The dad takes his son to the church and makes him enter the confession booth.

Boy: Dark in here.
Priest: Don't start that brick again, you're in my closet now.
 
When my wife said she was leaving due to my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face...

My mate says he can do nuts and bolts up with the cheeks of his backside, but I think he's just torqueing out of his a*** again...

A G N B:

That's bang out of order.

grab your taco - you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican


The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on sundial.

I bought a used Satnav from Bonnie Tyler, It's a load of rubbish though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

I've been feeling a little ill lately so I went to the doctors and he prescibed me some suppositories.
I read the label and it said "Insert 4 inches into the rectum" and "Keep out of reach of children"
I thought to myself, surely 4 inches would be enough but I could always wear some high heels I suppose


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,
the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GHod!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to
you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, a passenger yelled.......
"For the love of Jesus......you should see the back of mine!"

A man sits on the bed pulling off his boxers. His wife says "you spoil those dogs"


Tonight on Aircrash Investigation we ask how a perfectly functional, state of the art 747 managed to crash 13 miles off course into a mountain, killing all on board...

On June 23rd 1998, it was a clear blue sky and Captain Lucinda Briggs was at the controls...

Well that's that solved, might as well turn over now.

Some people like the letter N and some don't. It divides opinion.

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."


I told my wife that she draws her eyebrows on too high.

She seemed surprised.

Did you know...?

If your wife watches Eastenders whilst painting her toe nails, she's not really enjoying the sex.

I went to the Chinese restaurant yesterday and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''.
I said, ''Waiter, I asked for AROMATIC duck''.

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off the fecking car."
 
Took the wife to a nightclub last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips the lot. My wife said to me, "That guy proposed to me 15 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
 
LemonadeMoney said:
Took the wife to a nightclub last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips the lot. My wife said to me, "That guy proposed to me 15 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
Click to expand...
QUALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "white"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Remember when?
There was no gun or knife crime.
You could let your kids play outside with no fear.
There were no hoodies or street scum who terrorised the neighbourhood.
Old folk could collect their pensions without being mugged.
And little girls would get into your car for a bag of sweets or the promise of seeing some puppies.

What's white on top and black on the bottom?
Society.

A teacher, a lawyer and a priest were playing cards on the ship's deck when it hit a rock and started sinking. They all instantly started discussing what to do for the best.

Teacher: We are sinking! save the children!
Lawyer: Ah, **** the children!
Priest: Do we have time?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle, he said."
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
 
I was having sex with my wife on holiday in Karachi:

She said, "Is it in, dear?"

I said, "No, it's Pakistan."

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE and his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK and iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function.

My great-grandfather was lost on The Titanic.
"It was bloody huge," he would tell people afterwards.


"Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.
"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back where you found it with the rest of the pack."

"Get lost Steve! It's our anniversary only once a year," she replied, before stomping out of Clintons.


According to the news, some scientists are saying that the severe hot UK weather is actually the build up to another ice age.
How many more situations can that rat thing get itself into while chasing an acorn?Personally I thought theyd run out of idea's for sequels by now.

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right ****ing idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

my 18 month old son fell alseep on my lap before, so I carried him upstairs and laid him down, and I came back downstairs and relaxed for 20 minutes.
everyone on the bus must have thought I was a right ****.
 
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My wife said I treat our home like a bloody hotel.
"That's not true" I said.
"I've never snorted coke of a fluffy bunnies cuddlings tits in this house".
 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
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